It’s all part of a PR initiative codenamed ‘Project Straightjacket’. “John definitely has a lot to offer, just not when he’s talking” said an NZ Cricket spokesperson. “We’ve identified where John’s previous statements could be construed as part of the ‘utter dipshit’ space, and we’re working through the ‘not sounding like a total Muppet’ detail with him now.”

While initially agreeable to the plan, Bracewell now appears to be struggling. He was observed yesterday walking the boundary gesticulating wildly to himself and talking conspiratorially to a sight screen after net practice. When approached for comment, a clearly tired and emotional Bracewell blurted: “A real rain is coming” before declining further comment and sprinting in a lopsided fashion to the dressing room.

NZPA hack and seasoned Bracewell watcher Bob Greasepant said “It’s quiet. Too quiet. Trying to muzzle a serial foot-in-mouther like Bracewell is like trying to cure a touch of the runs with Vindaloo. Something’s got to give, and it will. Mark my words, it will.” Greasepant speculated that when the floodgates burst, it would be spectacular. “I’m expecting something special. Scattergun obscenities, wild-eyed accusations, scribes singled out for personal attention and quite possibly uncontrollable weeping. I want to be there when it goes down, but sat near an exit, just in case.”

Team Psychologist Alexander Cranishake explains the four stages of the battling collapse methodology: “First step is ‘false dawn’, or getting away to a good start – you don’t want to blow out too soon so the crowd can get away and achieve something with the rest of their day. Second stage is the ‘tipping point’, where we lose both openers, and possibly three and four very, very quickly. We’re missing Flem now, so we’re obviously short of experience in this area. Third stage is the ‘domino’, where guys get out to shots Dennis Lillee wouldn’t play in beach cricket. Fourth stage is ‘slow death’, with Chris Martin sticking around for fifteen overs for three runs. The team’s also practising microskills like ruefully shaking their heads, slowly walking to the pavilion, airshots of what they ‘meant’ to play, and throwing their box at the parking attendant”.

In a hastily arranged practise match against a Plummywell 2nd XI, the Black Caps failed to carry out the game plan, reaching 438/2 in the first innings. After a stern talking to, the team were all out for 92 in the second. Brendon McCullum chimed in with a useful 2. “The guys displayed some real application out there. They almost got away to a formidable total, but pegged it back nicely to a rout.” said Bracewell. “Woah. Braces must be really, really high.” said captain Daniel Vettori.

In other news, Daniel Flynn was a notable absentee from ‘getting smacked hard in the face with cricket balls’ sessions this week.