Bonus: All Black passive aggresssive notes

Black Caps manager Dave Currie said “Dan became such a pain in the arse once he was injured, we decided to give him an old Atari joystick and sit him in the stand to keep him occupied. It worked surprisingly well.”

While the experience was totally immersive, there are still some areas of the game to iron out, according to Vettori. “I mean, the batting was a little out, Shane Bond seemed to have got James Franklin’s batting skills, and vice versa, they’ll want to have a look at that. Injuries added a real challenge, I was out for starters, then Jake got injured halfway through – like I say, it’s pretty realistic,” said Vettori.

The injured Black Caps captain raved about the depth of field and wind effects, praising the game manufacturer’s attention to detail. “I could smell the hotdogs, I kept on expecting frickin Na’vi to leap out at me! The bloody pause button was broken though, eh, I had to go drop the kids off at the pool towards the end of the Aussie innings, it wouldn’t stop, but everything seemed to go OK.”

“Dan was enthralled – he even made little shooting noises – peeow peeow, he was going. We’re going to try this on long flights and in team meetings, for sure,” said Currie.

Reference

Then Brandon Stokley snagged the ball on the play that would soon be dubbed the Immaculate Deflection and pulled his astonishing did-you-see-that Maddenball maneuver. Donny Moore, an EA designer who was sitting to Madden’s left, leaped to his feet. “That’s what happens in the game!” he screamed, ecstatic.

Other examples include Jonah Lomu playing a lot of Jonah Lomu Rugby, Shane Warne’s addiction to Leisure Suit Larry, and the NRL playing roster’s re-enactment of Grand Theft Auto most Sunday nights.

“What’s that mate? Bangladesh? Yep, it’s a strip club, we were headed there for Dirk’s stag, but I got into a fight in KFC and spent the night in a cell. Nicked all their bog roll, though.

“What? Cricket? Bangladesh? It’s a country? Key the Falcon, never heard of it. They any good? Useless? Yip. If the Black Caps can beat em they must be as handy as four Swiss army knives in your arse.

“I’ll tell you the problem with Cricket – Cricketers are farkin soft. You’re meant to spend summer in The Sounds drinking piss with a broken arm, not getting grass stains out of your trousers. I bet those Cricket shit heels haven’t even been on a Jet-Ski.

“I mean the AUSSIES are good at Cricket. Aussies. We gave them Robbie Farkin Deans and they can’t even get a decent Rugby team together. That’s about as wrong as taking your missus to the trots. We could sort the Black Caps out with Robbie, a bottle of Coruba and a locked room.

“Have I watched any of the games? I’d rather try and shave my back. Julie Seymour could be wandering around in her undies at fine leg, and I’d only flick over during the ads.

“We done? Good.

“…anyway, I farkin wish I hadn’t drawn Stephen Brett on me Drizabone in Vivid…”