Anyway. Here’s a few links to keep you going:

- Rob Smyth on the Pakistan spot gambling scandal

- Making football legends at the Ajax academy

- The Guardian’s joy of six page on penalties and one-twos

- Puny writer type takes on proper tennis player in a mission to win one point

- Is test cricket on the ropes?

- LA Dodgers Star Wars night

A sportreview.net.nz reporter went undercover to meet Healy in his hotel. “He was keen to do a deal. He even demonstrated a few fucking idiotic comments in the room to show he could do the business. It could have just been him talking, but still… they were pretty idiotic.”

Healy outlined how it would work:

HEALY: “I’ll be in the booth just after the first drinks break. Richie’ll come on first crapping on about the score or something, then I’ll come in with something fucking idiotic.”

REPORTER: “How will we know it’s our comment?”

HEALY: “You’ll know, mate. You’ll know.”

Our reporter said “Healy delivered the goods – it was like clockwork. First thing out of his mouth was ‘Here comes Ricky Ponting, you can tell by his arm hair he’s got the freshest armpits in the game. That’s the mark of a true Aussie champion.’ We could’ve cleaned up at the bookie’s with that and fully got our money’s worth.” Healy went on to deliver two more fucking idiotic comments during that day’s play, causing his fellow commentators to remark on their idiocy at the time.

Healy’s Channel Nine colleagues were saddened that Healy has bought the fucking idiotic into disrepute: “This kind of fucking idiocy needs to be weeded out of the game, so we can get back to a more innocent, genuine kind of fucking idiocy,” said Bill Lawry.  When confronted with the allegations, Healy challenged our reporter to pick out the planted comments from his normal commentary: “Mate, just about everything I say is fucking idiotic – that goes for in the booth, and at home. That’s the mark of a true Aussie champion.”

The sweet-as injury has been likened to a shark bite by Luck’s team mates: “Or a gorilla, a gorilla could’ve done that. With its teeth,” said Warriors captain Simon Mannering. “Maybe a bear,” said utility back Lance Hohaia. “One thing’s for sure, I’m going to watch the shit out of it on My Sky.”

Luck was rushed to hospital immeditely after medical staff, stadium security and fans had finished taking photos of his exposed muscle tissue with their mobile phones. “Mate, this is up there with Cowboy Lonergan’s ‘Help! I’m stuck in washing machine!’ bit from ‘91,” said the Mad Butcher, who has ‘Lucky Offal’ on sale all this week at $8.99 a kilo.

The form of All Black midfielders Ma’a Nonu and Conrad Smith has freed Williams to explore other channels for his talents: “There’s a wealth of options on the table for Sonny Bill – riding on the team bus wearing headphones, running through crowds of reporters and getting really good at rugby on the XBox. We’ll probably encourage him to tweet about it,” said Tew.

Other off field opportunties include a possible charity boxing match against Simon Dallow (“Simon has a lot of anger,” commented Dallow’s representative), and a rumored contract for Williams to drive a Hummer around Tamaki Drive to promote woman’s hockey.

Meanwhile, the big screen on the Western stand played an unidentifiable swords n goblin epic (Underworld?) DVD menu. All day.

The new Southern stand must be pretty close to being finished – it’s imposing. The new terraces (that now incorporate the old Panasonic stand) look much more sanitary than the old ones, at this stage.

More photos – the Southern and Western stands, the Southern and a little model of the whole thing.

Anyway, it’s time to announce the winner of the crappy sportscafe DVD, first and only prize in the ‘Photoshop Matthew Hayden to look like a twat‘ competition. Read the judge’s comments and winner announcement inside…

Entry one from @sportreviewnz: “Weak. Could cause bushfire offence. Must try harder.”

Entry two @sportreviewnz: “Barely identifiable from original photo. Nixon mask is an obscure Point Break reference, so trying to be a clever dick there. Again. C-.”

Entry from @Naly_D of the Dropkicks: “Bringing in a cross-code reference. Obviously knows this site’s proprietor is going to respond favorably to anything Mitchell and Deans. Nice work.”

Entry from Subash of The Cricket Couch: “Solid effort. Nice use of Jesus’ hair, Hayden may consider his own hairstyle options after seeing this.”

Entry from JRod from Cricket With Balls: “Mocking Hayden’s self righteousness is a big win for the judges, as is using Kevin Smith’s Buddy Christ. Top marks.”

Entry from Hadyn Green of Public Address: “Hadyn has found a new non-cricket context for Hayden. A funny one.”

Entry from AntsGardiner: “As noted, I’m starting to think Hayden looks like Jacob Oram now. No-one wins in that situation.”

Drum roll please… the criteria was to a. be funny, which everyone has achieved. Funny material is a first for this site, and I thank you all. The second criteria was to make Matthew Hayden look like a twat, and everyone has really rolled their sleeves up and applied themselves. However, there must be a winner, and the judges have decided Ants Gardiner achieved photoshop twattishness the best. Especially in the left hand image – what a twat. Well done and congratulations, a crappy-as DVD is on it way to you. After you send me your address and that.

Justin Vaughan, who lives in Auckland, “whinged like a little bitch”, declined the offer of a fight and “ratted out” Jughandle’s group to stewards. He also performed poorly in an impromptu boat race, consuming a mere three chardonnays over the course of the match, however Jughandle did concede Vaughan may have been unaware he was participating in said race.

Jughandle has labelled Vaughan’s behavior as unacceptable and called for a review of minimum alcohol levels at grounds: “Mate, I reckon Helen Clark would be better value on the piss. Guys like him should be breathtested at the gate to make sure they’ve got enough down them.”