rugby

SRPA: Leaving your best players out for a New Zealand tour used to be just for the likes of England or Wales. After a 101-14 loss, Manu Samoa at last took their place at the big boys’ table. With a forward pack as competitive as Ian Smith versus a Milo and an early night, and a backline with more gaping holes than a Stu Wilson bender recollection, Manu Samoa showed they’ve finally joined the professional era.

With several of the first choice XV unable to tour due to earning shit-loads in Europe commitments, the Samoans fielded a 3rd XV tonight in a thrashing worse than a paralytic arts student taking on Ross Murant.

“To come here and lose by 87 points shows the Samoans are ready.” said NZRFU CEO Steve Tew. “I’d rate it alongside ’07’s 61-10 toweling of France. Maybe even the 55-3 Wales debacle in ‘03. We’ll definitely work with them to schedule more hidings in the future.”

Jubilant Manu Samoa Coach Niko Palamo said “Those boys did themselves proud representing Samoa tonight. Whoever they were.” The loss impressed the English press with The Times’ Stephen Jones purring  about the Samoans’ indomitable spirit and the sheer magnitude of glorious, glorious defeat. He also demanded the Samoan’s immediate inclusion in the Six Nations at the expense of Scotland.

More Dingo

To: sturulz_ohyeah@hotmail.com
From: pastagirler@klsi.com
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To: pastagirler@klsi.com
Subject: Re: Just got this web-cam and I can’t help stripping
Got your email. I don’t know how you got my address (did the Reunion boys send it?).

Now I don’t have trouble meeting women. I’ve had my fair share. All Black tours. Shield challenges. Liquor discounters. Rug clearance events. You name it.

These women are definitely single, right? For definite. Not married. Not separated. Not taking time out. Not just got into Levin for a Hen’s weekend. You can guarantee this in writing?

I’ve just read your email again. Fuck it, count me in.

To: sturulz_ohyeah@hotmail.com
From: “Future ” <sctkdryqxafhs@yahoo.com>
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To: “Future ” <sctkdryqxafhs@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Find Fast & Easy Loan Program ! Dear , yahoo.com User!!
You guys are good. After Trentham, you could say I’m looking to invest. I might be interested.

Let’s get a few things straight, right from the start.  We don’t want any misunderstandings. I’ve been burned before.

First off, it’s only fair to warn you I drive a hard bargain. I’m not looking for a pissing contest. Well, maybe after a couple of scotches. Hahha hahah ahahaaaa.

Second, don’t judge a book by its cover. Only the very wealthy can afford to dress this way. That? That’s just a bit of egg. See? It’s gone.

Third. No lawyers. Fuck ‘em with their ‘breaches’ and their ‘gross incompetence’ and ‘exceeded breath alcohol limits’. I don’t like clever dicks. It’s handshakes or I walk.

It’s up to you to get the ball in the line-out now. Make sure the boardroom cabinet’s got the good stuff.

To: sturulz_ohyeah@hotmail.com
From: luvipcidskfmfnxoomeslpksfwajjlkxwanndrsxrovcdjllew@等,商”.com
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To: luvipcidskfmfnxoomeslpksfwajjlkxwanndrsxrovcdjllew@等,商”.com
Subject: Re:
You must be more pissed than me right now!

Seriously, let me know what you want.

Great to see the Herald’s graphic artists stoop to the crappy-PowerPoint-speech-bubble-level. Pull up a chair boys, there’s beer in the fridge. Mind the stain… that one too… there you go.

Here’s today’s front page:

And the close up…

This is great, but remember - you can make them say anything. Why stop at paraphrasing what they’ve already said? Go nuts, really. It’s fun. Case in point:

(click for original)

Pulp Sport’s Bill and Ben invent Crugby. I imagine Lance Cairns would be good at this. And Jerry Collins.

It’s Man U v Chelsea in extra time of the Champions League final. Some people drank to settle their nerves. Some couldn’t watch. This Chelsea fan decided a very public Sherman Tank was the way to go. Full credit: Haydn Dropkick

I just know I’m the last person on the internets to link to this. I just really, really love swearing, though.

As a new parent, this caught my eye. I’m thinking numbers 7 and 11.

Competition to find New Zealand’s ‘Fully Fanatic Family’. First prize - Mum, Dad and the kids take on Ma’a Nonu, Brad Thorne and Greg Sommerville at bullrush during the ONE News Hour. Hosted by Tony Veitch

NZRFU endorsed ’street gangs’ with official gang signs, black bandannas and spray paint. ‘Don’t kick it, pass it’ tagging competition winners awarded their weight in WeetBix

Fat Freddy’s Drop, Official Band of the All Blacks

Steve Hansen bouncy castle

SRPA: Disgraced All Black Jimmy Cowan made it clear he was out of his mind with drink at the time of the late night incident that jeopardised his All Black place. “I was fucko, eh. I’m talking 24 Woodys, a White Russian and $15 of chips.”

The incident, full details of which have not been made public, left several members of the public splattered and shaken. Cowan was keen to emphasise that being uttererly wankered was the primary reason for his behavior.  “You know the ad where the guy is drinking all afternoon at the clubrooms, gets in a fight  and comas out in the bathroom? I think it’s for carpet? Anyway, that was me. I was in bits.”

Cowan pointed out that his behavior was not a fitting example for young All Black fans, “unless they were really, really wasted”.

SRPA: Former All Black Doug Howlett has admitted his move to Munster has added an edge to his drinking. “At home we’d have a few quiets three, four times per season, max. In Ireland, we’re totally arseholed three times a week. It’s a numbers game.” Howlett is impressed at European player’s dedication to getting troppo. “They’re total pros, mate. It starts with a couple of cans in the carpark before training, and next thing you’re in the nightclub at 2am wearing just your club tie. I had a lot to learn.”

Howlett feels he was singled out for special attention early on, but says it’s developed him as a player. “They were sticking Vodka in my Murphy’s, making me skull for drinking with my left hand, throwing me through windows, you name it. I had the big reputation, being an All Black and jumping on that BMW, but I still had heaps to learn. It’s made me a more rounded drinker, alright.”

Howlett harbours strong views on this country’s player drain. “We’re New Zealanders - we’ve grown up with being chased, held down and forced to do a yardy in the club rooms. That’s what’s made us great, but there’s definitely room for Rugby OEs. Take Dan Carter. Can’t handle his piss. He needs a couple of years of grateful rich businessmen buying him brandy and wine skulls under his belt. He’ll become one of the greats, and he’ll bring that knowledge home.”

Howlett strongly advocates relaxing rules around overseas players. “We’re pros. We can stick away dozens of miniature Johnny Walkers on the flight, get off the plane and play Hawke’s Bay in the NPC. That experience rubs off. Don’t get me wrong, guys in Europe aren’t spewing out the same coach windows and pissing on the same bars every week and getting stale. One week it’s Guiness in Dublin, next it’s Beaujolais bar brawls in France and Glenfiddich in Edinbrugh on Sundays. Its’ all about expanding your horizons.”

Keith Quinn, legendary Rugby broadcaster, makes his picks for this weekend’s crunch Super 14 matches as the teams vie for semi final berths.

Force - Brumbies
The first challenge for the day is just getting up. Sleeping in is a real motivation killer, and gets you off on the wrong foot immediately.

Crusaders - Highlanders
Have a shower and get dressed - think to yourself ‘What if a potential interviewer called right now?’ You need to be ready.

Reds - Waratahs
Take a brisk walk to the shop for the paper. The cold air is invigorating and gets the mind active and sharp early. Get a couple of Peanut Slabs as a reward - you deserve it!

Lions - Stormers
Get the kettle on while making first scan of the situations vacant. Circle those that warrant further study.

Cheetahs - Bulls
Any sharp objects need to be locked away - NOW!

Sharks - Chiefs
It’s library Tuesday. Collect your books and check due dates for this week’s returns.

A Mormon missionary stands at your door and enthuses about an expanded Super 14 to establish rapport.

G’day my main mate.

Did you hear? 18 teams in the Super 14. No bull-pucky. You gotta hand it to the Rugby Union - there’s nothing can’t be made better with more teams and more games. Eh. That total entertainment package just got WAY more sick.

I mean, take the Super 12. I loved it. I LOVED IT! But a man soon got to thinking if, say, the Hurricanes could beat Perth. At Rugby. Or, how New South Wales would handle a composite team drawing its players from the Free State and Northern Cape Provinces. And whaddayaknow, SANZAR came to the party. Me and my buddies settled a few bets, lemme tell ya.

And the Tri-Nations? More games means more EXTREME. Yeah! Mate.

Look at Baseball, that’s like, 160 games a year. You could have a Super 160. Imagine the Hastings Razorbacks’ rush defence facing off with the Tamworth Rhinestones’ back row. Woah. Mate. Rugby Union in your face once again.

Back at the dorm, Elder Barry says a Super 18 is a poke in the eye of all right thinking Rugby fans, possibly the most moronic move ever, and it makes him want to start watching ‘poofball’, whatever that is.

I say - gimme five! Or gimme 18, if that was anatomically possible. Eh.

Remember that time Cullen lost the ball over the line? At least he’s not this guy.  He knows, even in mid-air, the people in green inflatable hats are going to be very disappointed with him. The words you, utter, utter and penis spring to mind

There’s little doubt Peter Schmeichel is a deeply complicated man - amazing saves one minute, hilarious Manc-accented rapping about bacon with, bizarrely, a Robert Palmer-style entourage the next

That insane-jumpered Nelson Bays guy gets bowled over. He knows he’ll never hear the end of it from the instant it happens. He’s smiling, but he’s not happy

Holy. Crap. Cup stacking is fully my new favorite sport

Tauranga man releases World Cup report

SRPA: Tauranga resident Ron Harshdial has released his own report on the 2007 All Blacks’ World Cup failure. ‘Why did we lose?, I’ll bloody tell you why’ astonishes in its’ detail, passion, page count and spelling.

Main points include ‘Not enough farmers in the team’, the things Harshdial would do to Wayne Barnes in a ‘dark alley’ scenario, and ‘Soft cocks. Just… soft cocks.’

Andrew Hore emerges favorably from the report, the seal shooting incident being seen as evidence of a will to win, while Harshdial maintains underwear models in the team should be slashed by 100%.

Parore regrets not slapping more team mates

In the aftermath of the IPL’s Harbajan Singh slap incident, former Black Cap Adam Parore admitted today he would love to have slapped several team mates in his international career. He told reporters: “You can DO that? Yeah… yeah…” with a faraway look in his eye.

Parore added that these days, he wouldn’t mind slapping Mike Pero.

Fashion 101: Beyond the polo shirt

‘Staying humble on six figures’ Workshop

XBox Fit

The leadership group - 10 reasons they’re not out to get you

Why you can eye-gouge All Blacks in the Super 14, but not in the breakfast queue Q+A

Clinic: Sobbing quietly on the bench away from the camera’s prying eyes

You’re no Carlos:  Appreciating the short back ‘n’ sides with Grant Fox

Sportsfreak and the Dropkicks are all over six word stories. Let it never be said sportreview.net.nz is afraid of borrowing others’ ideas, so here’s my six word stories of New Zealand’s Rugby World Cup campaigns.

1987 - Kirwin beats fifteen. Win, never again.

1991 - Grizz and Hart - who’d have thought?

1995 - Lomu! Lomu! Don’t drink the coffee!

1999 - Adidas, painted jet, fail to ease pain.

2003 - Can Carlos take his chance? No.

2007 - Rest, reconditioning and rotation really wrong.

I loved Mexted’s comment in the Hurricanes / Crusaders match tonight. Steve Walsh, who had been talkative even for him, pulled the captains in for a chat on about 60 minutes.

Walsh - “I know everyone’s getting tired, but they have to stay on their feet. I’m now in penalty mode. OK?”

Mex - “He’s been in penalty mode from the beginning - 34 penalties in all so far.”

Walsh dished out 43 penalties in the game. Just because he was passed over for lunch monitor in primer 3, does the country have to suffer so?

Paul Wilson in the Observer:

“If the Taliban are as smart as everyone thinks they are, they ought to have been able to work out that Prince Harry was up to something. The Six Nations is halfway over and he hasn’t been seen at a game yet.”

It’s alright, I’ve found goal of the season already. Real Madrid’s horrible Arjen Robben thinks he’s scored and heads for the corner, unaware the goal’s been ruled out. Lowly Getafe take a quick free kick, and break away to score. Marvelous.

The Dropkicks showed a keen eye for esoteric stats during the Rugby World cup, so check out their Rugby wiki. Get involved, go write up your team before some bitter Highlanders fan does.

Heh - lower division football manager resigns, much to the laughter of his players.

Forumwarz is the whole internet in one site. Spookily accurate.

Friday, I was at Eden Park for the Cricket, but if this is Saturday, it must be Rugby.

Last year’s Super 14 was the testing ground for ‘Look, Ma, no All Blacks!’. This year we’re testing the Experimental Law Variations (or something). The players all looked like they’d been in the gym. There were some really big hits.

They’ll need to be fit, cos the new rules make the game FAST. There was lots of sevens-style chasing after the ball slowly, forcing the opposition to cover you all the way back.

There was a lot of kicking. The forwards spent much of the game wandering around the half way line like a Zombie hoard while the full backs and wingers played force back over their heads.

The Chiefs have a great team - Mils, Sivivatu, Anesi, Kahui, Donald, Leonard, Messam, Gibbes, Luaki, and Willis… that’s a really solid spine, with some real experience tucked in there. The only thing we’re missing is a couple of massive, hairy props, which is strange, as Waikato teams are usually renowned for its great hairy props.

Eden Park seems to be taking the threat of cinemas seriously in it’s bid to retain the title “Biggest, evilest rip-off merchant of the year, Food and Drink”. I’ll review the items one by one.

- Chips - these are OK. Still. Four bucks.
- Battered Hot Dog - Horrible, pitiful, pitiful amount of sauce, and a round stick. A round stick just seems wrong.
- Fish and Chips - I’d rather have gravel and chips than pay $8.50 for fish and chips at a rugby ground.
- Calamari and Chips - No way. Just… no way.
- Soft drink / water - Jesus, don’t leave yourselves short, will you?

Overall, it was a fun, low key night out, and Eden Park is not a bad place to be of a balmy February evening. The Blues will do well this year, and it’s only early days for the Chiefs. It did make me feel I need to make the most of what’s left of this summer, though.

Tomorrow, instead of spending my best years sitting at a desk (I love my job, really), I’ll mostly be sleeping in then trotting off to the Cricket (if the rain stays away). Let’s see if we can wrap it up 3-0 and then play the kids. What? We’re beating them WITH the kids? OK then.

While I’m there, I’ll fire some insight (heh) through to the Sportsfreak. Their live blog of game two was a real larf and got picked up on the Guardian’s blog.

Actually, I’m just hoping to see the lights. I’ve been to two day night matches where it’s been all over before they’re even turned on. Come on, England!

Then on Saturday night, it’s Eden Park again for the Chiefs v the Blues. They will play a game called Rugby, you may have heard of it. Surreally, it’s that season again, seems like only yesterday I was wallowing in a black hovel of despair… Still, it’s not going to go away, and as much as I hate myself, I’ve got a nagging curiosity, and I’ll be interested to see the New Rules. I’ve got no idea what they’re about. It’s going to be a shambles. Nah, it IS far too early to be watching Rugby, isn’t it?

SRPA: Don Singely of Hawera came out swinging today, outraged by the Wellington Sevens’ crowd behaviour over the weekend. “They’re not REAL sevens fans. Anyone would think they don’t care about Tonga v the USA at all.” By his estimation, Singely shouted “Siddown!” 47 times, “Shut-up!” 23 times, “Watch the game!” 56 times, and “Why don’t you fuck off back to Auckland, you Johnny-fuck-knuckle Village People reject?” a formidable 315 times.

Singely’s highlights of the weekend included the Samoa v Fiji nailbiter; “Magic”, and a man dressed as a parking warden tripping and landing on his face; “Halarious!”. Singely missed New Zealand’s thrilling last minute win having already left Wellington Stadium to beat the traffic.

While impossibly blinkered cheer leading with little connection to actual events on the pitch may endear Brampton to ITV audiences, Harris feels it’s a sticking point in forming adult relationships. “He’s impossible. Alan’s got to be the only man in Britain with a framed photo of fucking Clive Woodward beside his bed. That’s just not right, is it? I’m not telling you what he says about Martin Johnson when we make love”.

While Harris has learned to cope with Bramptons’ harping on by tuning right out, social situations are a potential mine field. “You just can’t have a conversation. We had some old university friends of mine over for dinner, my god, it was a disaster. Toby asked Alan what he made of Gordon Brown, and he started going on about a stirring effort from the World Champions that should put the game beyond the grasp of the valiant but limited Italians. I mean, what the ruddy hell is that? Toby and Jemimah just looked at each other like ‘what the…?!?’. I just knew Jemimah got on the phone to our friends as soon as they left to laugh about me. I wanted to die”.

In hindsight, Harris feels the warning signs were there from the very start of the 18 month long relationship. “I met him in a rugby club, the fact his last wife left him just after the World Cup in 2003 should have been a big, big red flag”. Harris maintains the outlook for their relationship is not great “It’s the total lack of touch with reality that gets me. Let’s face it, England are fairly crap, aren’t they?”

“The new position of a compulsory, non playing referee / banker will add new levels of consistency” explained Millar. The referee will have a range of powers, including harsh fines and deciding who makes the tea. For severe transgressions referees can force players to leave the room for a while and think about what they’ve done. Referees will be supported by neutral observers, who sit in the corner of the lounge and take notes for later review. There will be a blanket ban on owning both utilities and railway stations, which is designed to open up the game and allow it to flow, adding interest for new Monopoly markets. “Families and new players alike will learn to love the ‘depowered’ Community Chest” Millar added.

Critics of the ‘Old Kent Road’ laws, as they’re known, say they’re a thinly veiled tactic to blunt New Zealand Monopoly troupe All Hats’ captain Ronald MacKay’s game. MacKay plays to the very letter of the law, with moves that try the patience of Monopoly’s governing body. “We’re not comfortable with the direction of the game in the southern hemisphere, it’s becoming basketball on a board” said International Monopoly Board head Ralph Stevens. “That’s why we set those pedantic IRB arseholes loose”.

The IRB’s rules consultancy unit is also working with Tennis on a proposed new scoring system of Love / 15 / Touch / Hold / Engage.

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PICT0017, originally uploaded by richirvine73.

Waikato’s playing jersies hang in the window of their dressing room behind the South Stand at Eden Park.

- We can do it when it counts. South Africa away and the Tri Nations / Bledisloe decider were the two matches that really mattered this year - we won both with solid performances.

- We’re distracted. Let’s not beat around the bush - 2007 (not to mention 2006, 2005 etc) is all about the World Cup. When the whistle blew last night, McCaw asked straightaway for our support in France. Nothing else matter to us, the baying, flaming torch waving NZ rugby public, and it’s no different for the team. Forget defeat in Melbourne, or a scratchy outing in Christchurch - the team’s minds are in France.

- We might just be sandbagging in the backs. Remember 2003 when we took everyone to bits with those majestic, sweeping moves from Carlos and the back three in the Tri Nations, only for Stirling Mortlock put us out in the semi final? There’s been a distinct lack of sparkle from the backs this year, not helped by the constant switching and changing. While the forwards have been quietly building up experience and understanding as a pack (locking crisis apart), the backs are still a work in progress. It’s pointless giving White, Laporte et al footage to study on their laptops when they’re not playing minesweeper for the next six weeks. Expect big things in France.

- The Aussies and Saffas are scared. There was more worried bleating in the Tri Nations press conferences than in the film “Enter The Agrodome”, the sordid story of a touring Welsh social rugby team visiting the famous Rotorua tourist attraction after a few pints. Hopefully World Cup referees will be wise to this whinging about McCaw.

- South Africa are tough. The question is, have they got their reconditioning right? It seems a strange, kneejerk move to leave all those players at home for the touring matches. Now White has to reintegrate his squad and find a number one XV, since his last best XV was beaten at home by the ABs. All that good feeling created by the all-South Africa Super 14 final suddenly seems a long time ago.

- Australia are tough and smart. They beat us in Melbourne in their must-win game of the season, and were a handful in Auckland. Gregan is still the best ref around - his ‘not actually feeding the scrum’ scrum-feeding technique has masterfully minimised psychological damage to their fragile front row. Last night’s ref wasn’t fooled, and if it’s the same in France, they could really struggle.

- The TV commentary will get worse. Much, much worse. You all that bitch about Tony Johnson and Mex, get ready for the pain. TV3 will cover the World Cup, meaning their ‘Rugby’ ‘Editor’ Hamish MacKay has the mic. With MacKay, every game is a MASSIVE, MUST WIN ENCOUNTER, every tackle is a HUGE, TEETH RATTLING HIT. When he scratches his arse, IT’S A SUPER HUMAN EFFORT. Most annoying, though, is his rehearsed lines for try scorers - utter bollocks like “Aye, Aye, Captain!” as McCaw crashes over, “the Ice Man cometh” for Toeava, or “But soft, what light over yonder try line breaks? ‘Tis Anton, and the ball is the sun” for Anton Oliver*. I bet he’s got heaps prepared in an exercise book in writing that doesn’t join up. He’ll have guys like Frank Bunce and Allan Whetton alongside him (plus, worryingly, KFC spokesman / Destiny Church advocate Mark ‘Bull’ Allen) - let’s hope they can get a word in edgeways.

Now we just have to wait six weeks until the big show starts. (SIX WEEKS? WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOUR YEARS!). Despite our media and public’s demands for flawless 50 point thumpings every time we play, we saw enough in Durban and Auckland to suggest Henry and Co. are timing their run for France, as they should be. 2007’s real crunch matches are yet to come - remember how well they played in the last really big series? That would be the Lions tests, and if we can hit that form again, we’ll justify our tag as huge favorites, and it will take something very, very special indeed to stop us. Can we get excited yet?

* I made that one up. You get the idea, though.

Then Bev from the office dragged me along to watch the Hurricanes play the Whoever-they-ares. I wasn’t holding out much hope - chardonnay came in a funny plastic bottle, I got sauce all down the front of my top, and there were no cute guys in the crowd. Looked like Rugby was fully gunna suck.

And then… they started playing MUSIC. Woah. Who knew that just playing music turned rugby from something fully stupid to a night out that totally rules! “I don’t knowwwwwww - oh - oh - oh! WHY DOES LOVE! DO THIS TO MEEEE!” “HEEEEEEY HEY BABY! OOOH! AAAAH!” Then the DJ played the Feelers! And Robbie Williams! We were dancing like it was a night club! I’ve got to hand it to them - Rugby certainly is a total entertainment package!

The Rubgy DJ doesn’t just play the best music - he’s soooo funny! In the very first huddle thing, one guy went off injured - and he played ‘Another one bites the dust!’ Hah hah hah! He’s such a hard case! Then the ref made some stupid call, and he played Wet Wet Wet’s “Sweet little mystery!” Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah! What a crack up!

Next thing you know the home rugby guys went ahead on the scoreboard, and he stuck on ‘One step ahead’ by Split Enz. Classic. He’s funny AND clever. I go every week now, it totally fits in with my lifestyle. I get my face painted, and wave my big finger glove around.

I have to take my hat off to the Rugby marketing guys (or my dreadlock wig). Before, Rugby was just stupid and smelly, and now, with music, it’s a perfect Friday night out with friends and family. The Sevens is even better - there’s more music and less Rugby! Choice! I buy the official Hurricances Jerseys every year just to say thanks! My wardrobe’s full of them! See you there!

The new panel underwent a rigorous selection process. Head coach Dave from Greymouth is a regular contributor to Radio Sport’s midnight to 4AM Ruckin’ Rugged Rugby Graveyard show. “It’s fair to say I don’t sleep much. If at all.” said Dave, who lives alone. Forwards coach Ryan from Manurewa proved his coaching credentials with a 23 minute rambling tirade against Reuben Thorne in the early hours of Monday morning. “When he used the word ‘invisible’ three times in a sentance I knew we’d found our man. Particularly as Reuben wasn’t even playing.” said Henry. Backline specialist Des from Waitara makes the move from coaching the Waitara Possums’ 2nd XV to the All Blacks. “I’ve been banging on about how I’d fix the All Blacks for years”, a claim confirmed by his wife, five sons, the postman, Dipak in the Dairy, and regular patrons of the Waitara Tavern’s public bar.

The new regime has no shortage of coaching theories honed over hours of talkback. Hair product and dreadlocks are out and number 4 buzzcuts are in. The media will be banned from talking to players, with the coaches speaking exclusively to Murray Deaker. Team talks will now be delivered over the phone on a conference call. Ryan from Manurewa outlined the new panel’s collaborative style: “We’re not afraid of getting experts in to help. Like Glen from Huntley - he’s a leaguie, but his ideas on the Warriors being gutless wonders is something we can learn from.”

“We know talkback callers are often labeled blinkered, fickle cretins. Many are. But believe you me, if we don’t bring home the World Cup, I’ll be first to ring Willie Lose and demand my own resignation.” said Des from Waitara. The new panel is upbeat about their chances in France this spring. “If any French git waiter gets clever with me he’ll know all about it” said Dave from Greymouth, who’s heard a beer could cost as much as fifteen bucks, which is daylight bloody robbery, adding he hoped they weren’t holding their breath for a tip at those prices, which were just about as bad as he’s heard they are up in Auckland.

Jerry Collins is now asking for the public’s tips on preparing raw meat, while Anton Oliver is looking for ideas to enhance his risottos. Steve Hanson is not too bothered generally, as everything he eats is smothered in “shitloads of tomato sauce. WATTIES tomato sauce”.

The incident soon got personal, as Laporte lambasted Coppins’ performance. “Même John Connolly est moins retardé que vous!” was just one of the insults that quickly saw the air turn blue. “He had a lot of sand in his vagina alright, going ‘I’ll finish you, tu est sheeet-for-brains kiwi mother-fucker!’ or some shit. He was being a real wanker about it, but that’s cool, bro, he’ll feel bad about it when he wakes up tomorrow, for sure.”

Coppins was keen to downplay the incident, saying it was all part of the job. “People want their PCs to work, sometimes they just take it out on the helpdesk guy.” Upon finishing his shift, Coppins went straight home to stick the knives on before watching the All Blacks cane Laporte’s France side from the couch of his Mount Victoria flat. “It was pretty sweet, the guy’s a total cock rash.” said Coppins.

Coppins’ manager, City Life Hotel IT Helpdesk Supervisor Jon Higgins is backing his man 100%. “Matt might be a lazy student layabout, but he knows his way around a PC alright. Probably because of all the porn he looks at”. Higgins wouldn’t comment specifically on the incident, saying his views would be made clear in a damning report to hotel management.

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IRB Marketing manager Seamus Healy said “Our great game prides itself on having a place for men of all shapes and sizes, and that goes for the freaky-looking too. Just look at some of the greats of the game, who’ve represented their countries with distinction such as Vuninbaka, Janie De Beer, and John Eales. At school and club level the freaky-looking have long been embraced, and it’s time the international game got on board.”

The new rules, which are being trialled in South Africa, state teams must include a minimum of one freaky-looking player, one that’s pretty ugly, with a spare freak on the bench that can play hooker or half back. Millar said “Freaky-ness can be defined as having an unusual physique, having a distinctive haircut or running style, or even unusual accessories like gloves or pantyhose. Keith Woods looked a lot like Uncle Fester from The Addams Family, so he could be classed as freaky-looking, for example. We’re totally open on this.”

Rival codes American Football and Equestrian expressed concern about Rugby pillaging their stocks of freaky-looking athletes, but Healy was quick to reassure them that Rugby had “Stacks of freaks of our own. Stacks”.

Wall foreman Steve Hotten laid out some of the city’s founding principles in an oration to the ‘Tagotown people upon the wall’s completion. “It’s pretty farkin simple. Number one - we’re building a stadium. Number two - we support Otago. There’s no number three. If you wanna wear bone carvings, go to Dunedin.”

‘Tagotown has rapidly become a fully formed community with it’s own culture and traditions. It’s a throwback to a quieter, simpler time, where cheerful, brutal mob justice rules. Entry to the city limits is obtained by answering questions on the mid 90’s Otago sides’ most glorious failures, and torpedoing a Speights can in under 4.6 seconds. Drinking and driving is legal here, and whale is back on the menu at local eateries. Every Friday at lunchtime a student from Auckland is pelted with fruit and eggs while being driven down Dave Latta Drive in stocks, to peals of laughter of local townsfolk.

Lord Mayor Laurie Mains praised the special spirit that’s created ‘Tagotown. “It’s extremely heartening to see this kind of initiative from the people of the South - it makes me bloody proud to be a southern man.” He said, adding “We were poisoned the night before the ‘95 final, and it wasn’t my fault that we lost”.

The editor of the Otago Daily Times said the paper would be largely unaffected by the change.

Players arrived at camp to find notices reminding them to wash their own dishes, and keep noise to a minimum near Steve Hansen’s room after 8.30pm, amongst others. “WINNING All Blacks are TIDY All Blacks!!!!” and “SEATZ ARE NOT FOR FEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” are typical examples. “It’s just an informal way to remind everyone of their duties. I’m not the big boss around here, though, so I chucked in some fun themes and clip art.” said Shand.

Two examples of Shand’s notices. Click to enlarge.

“It’s really vexing” said player spokesman Anton Oliver. “It’s like he’s trying to establish a totalitarian autocracy around here. His spelling and punctuation are pretty fucked, and that capitalisation…”. Aaron Mauger was equally unimpressed. “They’re just so fucking preachy, it’s ‘do this’, ‘do that’ and ‘everyone’s gunna burst into tears if you don’t clean up’. It’s like having your Mum at camp. At least Mum would bring some baking. MAYBE I could handle this from someone like Colin Meads, but from Benchy… it’s not on.”

This early player irritation contrasts with 2006, when Shand didn’t start pissing players off until midway through the Tri Nations.

Star’s accounts receivable supervisor Dave Goodman held an inpromtu post mortem around the photocopier and concluded Ungar’s lack of commitment has cost the franchise a record seventh title. “What’s the first thing Richie or Robbie says when they win? Yip, ‘I’d like to thank the fans’. There’s no way we can win otherwise. No way”. Goodman went on to explain that he wasn’t crying, he just had something in his eye.

Incidents that seemed merely strange at the time are now being viewed as turning points in the season, like Ungar’s Monday morning enquiry of the score between the Crusaders and the Bulls in the round robin. He also asked “Who’s Chris Jack ?” when the legendary lock’s knee injury was featured on pages 1, 2, 3, 9, and 23 of the Christchurch Press.

“I knew he wasn’t right at on ‘Wear your jersey to work. A Crusaders jersey.’ day” said social club organiser Gareth Buck. “He came in some kind of Squash club tracksuit top - it was red and black alright, but the sleeves were green. I had him on about it and he kind of went ‘oh, really?’ and kept on checking his email. I’m not surprised we lost. Not fucking surprised at all”.

The final straw came when Ungar failed to join a team outing to Jade Stadium for the Chiefs match, instead preferring to celebrate his fifth wedding anniversary by taking his wife to dinner. That decision was to cost the Crusaders the advantage of a home semi final and ultimately the title. “What a girl” said Goodman, adding “If he doesn’t get on board at World Cup time and we lose, he’s dead meat”.

The Crusaders organisation have made it clear they take a dim view. “Other teams shit themselves when they play us as they know the whole Canterbury public are behind the boys. The WHOLE public, not just those that can be bothered” said a Crusaders spokesman. “If Ungar doesn’t wake the fuck up we’ll be forced to review Star Paper Ltd’s supply of posters, mini-rugby balls and inflatable swords”. Former players Justin Marshall and Andrew Merthens released a joint statement warning the franchise’s catchment area that behaviour like Ungar’s is directly responsible for senior players seeking playing opportunites overseas.