Tauranga man releases World Cup report

SRPA: Tauranga resident Ron Harshdial has released his own report on the 2007 All Blacks’ World Cup failure. ‘Why did we lose?, I’ll bloody tell you why’ astonishes in its’ detail, passion, page count and spelling.

Main points include ‘Not enough farmers in the team’, the things Harshdial would do to Wayne Barnes in a ‘dark alley’ scenario, and ‘Soft cocks. Just… soft cocks.’

Andrew Hore emerges favorably from the report, the seal shooting incident being seen as evidence of a will to win, while Harshdial maintains underwear models in the team should be slashed by 100%.

Parore regrets not slapping more team mates

In the aftermath of the IPL’s Harbajan Singh slap incident, former Black Cap Adam Parore admitted today he would love to have slapped several team mates in his international career. He told reporters: “You can DO that? Yeah… yeah…” with a faraway look in his eye.

Parore added that these days, he wouldn’t mind slapping Mike Pero.

Fashion 101: Beyond the polo shirt

‘Staying humble on six figures’ Workshop

XBox Fit

The leadership group – 10 reasons they’re not out to get you

Why you can eye-gouge All Blacks in the Super 14, but not in the breakfast queue Q+A

Clinic: Sobbing quietly on the bench away from the camera’s prying eyes

You’re no Carlos:  Appreciating the short back ‘n’ sides with Grant Fox

Sportsfreak and the Dropkicks are all over six word stories. Let it never be said sportreview.net.nz is afraid of borrowing others’ ideas, so here’s my six word stories of New Zealand’s Rugby World Cup campaigns.

1987 – Kirwin beats fifteen. Win, never again.

1991 – Grizz and Hart – who’d have thought?

1995 – Lomu! Lomu! Don’t drink the coffee!

1999 – Adidas, painted jet, fail to ease pain.

2003 – Can Carlos take his chance? No.

2007 – Rest, reconditioning and rotation really wrong.

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I’m stoked 2007 is over, sports-wise. After three World Cups and a big yacht race for no trophies, we’re left to pick up the pieces after a year of early starts, late finishes, big build-ups and crushing disappointments. What have we learned? Nothing, if you believe Henry’s reappointment was a mistake (which I don’t), but 2008 will be very interesting indeed, with Robbie Deans leaving the rabid for success for the slightly shit. So bollocks to 2007, but it’s time to get over it.

Luckily, blogging-wise, I’ve really enjoyed it. Getting a cartoon in the paper was nice (another one soon!). I liked this one. And this one. This wasn’t a good idea.I loved making up news stories.

In 2008, I really need to get my shit together with a proper domain (keep your eye on sportreview.net.nz) and WordPress, particularly before sportreview jr. comes along.

Here’s my best for 2007.

Sporting moment
Hard one. A couple of America’s Cup races were pretty amazing. I’m too childish to nominate Fiji v South Africa. Oher than a few Berbatov goals, it’s looking pretty bleak. I’m going for Luaki handing off Richie McCaw – it’s been that kind of year.

Web
Guardian Unlimited (football and sport) remain my go-tos for sport news, writing, and youtube clips. Locally, the Dropkicks podcast is the best in NZ sport on the web. I love the communities springing up at Sportsfreak and The Silver Fern – I wish I had more time to participate. I joined Facebook, and found it great for finding the long lost, but kind of annoying otherwise. I discovered last.fm. I really enjoy Public Address and Jason Kottke, still.

Links on Friday
- Richie Benaud on the underarm
- Zombie vs Shark
- Never poke a big cat with a stick
- Full Metal Wii
- The Mack vs the Nuge

Albums
Person Pitch – Panda Bear (thanks, Fraser), Happy Ending – Phoenix Foundation, Sound of Silver – LCD Soundsystem

Book
The Yiddish Policeman’s Union – Micheal Chabon

Films
Superbad, The Devil Dared Me To, Hot Fuzz

Top three songs on last .fm
Ramble Tamble – Creedence
Fourtunate Son – Creedence
Sleepwalk – Santo & Johnny

For the last four years (thanks, George) we’ve anticipated being World Champions. Now I feel like I’m ten again, and after running to check if my advanced Dungeon Master’s Guide has finally arrived, finding the postman cheerfully having a dump in the post box.Graeme Hill has a brilliant quote in the latest issue of Real Groove magazine: “Sport is as good a canvas as any for great drama to emerge”. Not sure if it’s his, but we saw that in spades in France (and feckin Cardiff, for that matter). England struggling manfully with their own limitations. South Africa going about the business of winning the damned thing with no nonsense. Argentina and France agreeing to forget about Rugby for a while and just kicking shit out of each other for a while. It was all brilliant. But if I’m honest, I was too bitter to enjoy it properly.

Now it’s all over, what’s left? Cricket? Tottenham *hollow laugh* ? The next Tri Nations? 2011? We’ve entered one of those natural lulls in the sporting calendar, and it all feels a bit flat. Hey, I was planning on being still drunk from the World Cup celebration right now. I’m seeking diversion on Facebook, but it’s not really the same, it it? Normal sport review nz service and stupidity to resume shortly.

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1700 Guests arrive at Hotel / Greeted in foyer / Welcome nibbles, champagne, beer, wine served
1702 Was that Stu Wilson pan handling outside?
1723 Fuck this, is there any scotch?
1724 Doug Howlett cut off from further alcohol
1755 Guests ushered to ballroom by nervous staff. That floor has only just been resurfaced, do you realise?
1800 Pre speech ‘energisers’ with Darren Shand
1804 First bread roll thrown
1805 Speech: “Reminiscing – bonded brothers bleeding on the battlefield” with Anton Oliver
1807 First fork thrown
2030 Speech: “I was wrong, very wrong, where I went wrong, Oh how I loathe the very ground I walk on everyday” – self flagellation and spiritual cleansing session with top referee Wayne Barnes
2200 Jordan Luck takes the stage
2218 Aaron Mauger’s wife injured while loitering in Jordan Luck’s path to the lavatory
2245 Is that stores? Get me another case of Johnny Walker, NOW! What? Get down to LiquorLand in a cab, then! For the love of god..
2305 You’re me best mate. You fucker.
0012 Searching for a cab, racked with sobs

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Walking on deserted beaches

The Mirror Lakes

The big L&P bottle

Sheep traffic jams

Moving to a lifestyle block for an easier pace of life

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If you’ve not actually moved from the couch since final whistle, and are starting to contemplate brightening up your pit of despair with a fridge, toaster, and large plastic tub to catch the dribble, then here’s all the interweb action you’ve missed

- Stephen Jones responds to readers letters – Jaysus. Stephen Jones is either the bastard child of Margret Thatcher and a dashing young Clive Woodward, or John Clarke’s greatest ever creation

- NZ’s own Jed Thian writes in the Guardian (the GUARDIAN!) on the pain – heh, yes the poms at work had a field day on Monday. Nice croissants, though

- Bart from The Silver Fern on why we lost and the reconditioning programme – some well considered points from a smart rugby guy

- Inky on his primal response to Sunday’s loss, ie going out and getting covered in blood and guts. I’ve only just started reading Inky, the archives are highly recommended

- Public Address System gets it out of their system – Following Russell Brown’s thoughtful post, there’s a mammoth thread really worth reading, and watch the youtube vid of the Paris Rugby ball..

SRNZPA: Christchurch product manager Tom Hopping spent Sunday planning his Monday morning at work, following the All Blacks’ shock World Cup exit. “I knew all along we’d lose – now is my time”.

“First off, I hope I run into number one Graham Henry fanboy Dan from accounts in the car park, I wanna get stuck into him about the rotation thing” said Hopping. “Then, I’ll make coffee really slowly in the kitchen just to pick the sales team off with a few ‘I told you so’s’. I’ll get straight on the email after that, I can cover a lot of ground fairly quickly that way”.

Hopping has maintained the All Blacks would fail to break the 20 year World Cup hoodoo since 2004. “I was packing myself after the Lions tour, we were looking pretty sharp for a while there. I’m rapt everyone’s dreams are shattered now”.

The water dispenser or the photocopier were both candidates for morning tea from 10.45 to 11.00am. “At the water dispenser, people would have to listen to me for, I’m guessing, about 30 seconds on average. I can’t get that kind of time at the printer, unless there’s a paper jam. That could buy me a good couple of minutes. I’ll just have to make that call on the day”.

‘Heads will roll’, ‘Gutless wonders’, ‘It’s ’99 all over again’, along with strangled choking noises will form the basis of Hopping’s Monday morning arsenal. “So many people are wrong, and I’m right. Monday’s going to be the best day ever. I hope no-ones away sick, but I ‘spose I could clean them up Tuesday or Wednesday”.

Lunchtime would signal the peak of Hopping’s cavalcade of vindication – “I’m going to get a phone card and give Millsy a bell on his mobile, he’ll be just getting off a plane in Paris. Hopefully he hasn’t heard, and I can break it to him myself, that’d be the icing on the cake. Isn’t it great to be alive”?