NEWSDESK: Celebrations around Muttiah Muralitharan’s 800th test wicket were tempered by criticism of his 237 wickets taken against blind children and their pets. “You have to ask how many wickets Clarrie Grimmet or Dennis Lillee would have got against blind children and their pets,” said Des Jandal, cricket correspondent for the Perth Morning Whinge. “What would run through a hamster’s mind when they saw DK Lillee steaming in off the long run at them?”

Outspoken cricket blogger Tristan Chortle-Creasly of jollygoodshowwhat.com has analysed Murali’s technique. “He gives blind kids the slow straight one, they can usually hear anything that spins. Dogs, he’s looking to pitch it up, give it some air and try and get them leg before. The allegations of ball tampering with a bier stick were never proved. He uses the same technique against cats as he does against New Zealand, just a stock leg cutter, sooner or later they’ll get themselves out.”

Murali’s supporters say you can only play what’s put in front of you, and his outstanding record against Zimbabwe, Bangladesh, Chris Martin, the visually impaired and quadrupeds cannot lessen his achievement.

NEWSDESK: All Black second five eighth Ma’a Nonu today suggested All Black coach Graham Henry live in the same house as, buy matching outfits with and marry former Rugby League international Sonny Bill Williams. “Oh! Sonny Bill! Want to get dressed and go get breakfast? Or shall we just watch DVDs all day? Let’s do that,” said Nonu.

Williams, who is targeting a midfield spot in the All Black side, is renowned for both his flair with the ball and his physical defence. He courted controversy in 2008 when he walked out on NRL outfit the Canterbury Bulldogs. “Did you order flowers? They’re for me? Oh you. Let me put them in water, then I’ll cook your favorite risotto,” Nonu told reporters. “That’s Graham and Sony Bill, that is.” Williams has signed with the New Zealand rugby and Canterbury through until the 2011 Rugby World Cup, after which Henry and Williams will probably get cheap flights to Fiji for a romantic getaway, said Nonu.

NEWSDESK: New Zealand’s participation in the World Cup finals has been a rich source of comedy for pundits and broadcasters alike in the tournament build up. Most members of the international press were under the impression the South Pacific island nation were more of a rugby playing / sheep shagging / quasi Welsh proposition. “New Zealand? Playing football? Sounds about as likely as Snoop Doggy Dog walking into t’ Rovers  and pooing on the bar, like,” said Pastie Cornish of the Manchester Evening News.

So it was little surprise when the All Whites themselves expressed their astonishment they were in fact a football team at a packed press conference in Johannesburg. “I knew played sport, but I just thought it was touch rugby, I used to play that at Uni,” said Leo Bertos, who was surprised to learn he is a right back. “Turned out to be football – we used to call it poofball! The touch guys are going to give me heaps when I get back.”

Goalkeeper Mark Paston was able to dimly recall a big match in Wellington last year, but said he couldn’t remember due to alcohol-related memory loss. “I recall I had gloves on – but I always wear gloves when its cold, I thought nothing of it. Trip to South Africa? Sure, why not? I didn’t suspect a thing.”

“To be honest, it’s a big weight off my mind to learn we’re playing in the World Cup,” said coach Ricki Herbert. “I had all these people congratulating me in the street and the supermarket, I didn’t know WHAT they were on about – thought I was going farkin mad.” Herbert was confident he and the rest of the New Zealanders staying in his hotel would give a good account of themselves. Playing football. “At the end of the day, we’re here to do a job and not let the country down. Apparently. FIFA have been kind enough to supply some football DVDs for us to watch, and we’ll be down the video shop to rent some football games on the playstation as soon as someone sorts out two forms of ID.”

In other news, the ICC said they would be reviewing the Black Caps’ participation in the recent T20 World Cup in light of today’s revelations.

NEWSDESK: Anxious to live up to standards set by 2002 ICC Champion Trophy’s ‘Super Confused Round’ and the 1999 England World Cup’s ‘Baffle Raffle’, the ICC are promising further innovation in the current T20 world championships. ‘We’re going to make the NRL Finals look like a design classic – we’re expect grown men to weep trying to work it out,” enthused ICC spokesman Brampton Bender-Brampton.

“We gathered the finest minds the English public school system has produced, put them up in a Sussex Castle-slash-Conference Centre, gave them tea, gin and a whiteboard and left them to it,” Bender-Brampton told worried-looking press. “When they came back three weeks later asking for erasable markers and more pornography, we knew we had the right team on the job.”

Task Force Shit-Gaggle member Little ‘Lord’ Chortleroy was struck by the dedication the working group showed whenever they were fully concious. “At one stage we were considering teams qualifying for a ‘Prove Who Admires And Respects The Queen The Most’ round, to be presided over by Prince Phillip and Rudi Koertzen, but we felt it played England’s hands too much. Phillip was frightfully disappointed when we woke him up and broke the news.”

For 2010, the West Indies’ spread out geography was taken into account to maximise confusion further – “Some teams may even turn up at the wrong venue altogether! As for fans – well, those without a super yacht of their own may well be best off staying home,” said Bender-Brampton, as he dodged burning copies of Wisden being lobbed in his direction.

Players are cautiously welcoming the challenging mystery format. “Doesn’t matter, mate, I’m still biding my time, waiting to punch either Duckworth or Lewis in the face. I hate those guys,” said New Zealand Captain Daniel Vettori.

NEWSDESK: In an unexpected move, New Zealand have bought the wind into the squad for Hamilton’s second test against Australia. “You have to take advantage of the home conditions – well we’re going to have the conditions in our playing XI,” captain Dan Vettori told a stunned press conference, slowly tapping his temple. “The wind’s form in Wellington impressed us, we’re certain it can do a job for us in Hamilton, being bowled into, blowing people’s hats off, getting in the Australian’s heads… we don’t see the wind carrying the drinks, put it that way.”

By ICC rules, countries are free to pick any weather patterns they choose; “Wind is an important factor in any international dressing room, and particularly in the county scene – this selection reminds me of when Inzamam Ul-Haq tried to select a breakfast buffet for Pakistan, but passport problems put the kibosh on it, what,” said ICC spokesman Harvey Spill-Blazer.

“We see the wind as a specialist fielder,” said coach Mark Greatbach, “I haven’t seen it bowl yet, but I reckon it’ll have a ding-dong batttle with Chris Martin for the number 11 batting slot.”

NEWSDESK: “I spent yesterday trialing an prototype 3D video game – it was incredible,” said Black Caps captain Dan Vettori. “Weird, I thought we were meant to be actually playing cricket, but once I got into it I couldn’t put it down. I’d recommend it to anyone.”

Black Caps manager Dave Currie said “Dan became such a pain in the arse once he was injured, we decided to give him an old Atari joystick and sit him in the stand to keep him occupied. It worked surprisingly well.”

While the experience was totally immersive, there are still some areas of the game to iron out, according to Vettori. “I mean, the batting was a little out, Shane Bond seemed to have got James Franklin’s batting skills, and vice versa, they’ll want to have a look at that. Injuries added a real challenge, I was out for starters, then Jake got injured halfway through – like I say, it’s pretty realistic,” said Vettori.

The injured Black Caps captain raved about the depth of field and wind effects, praising the game manufacturer’s attention to detail. “I could smell the hotdogs, I kept on expecting frickin Na’vi to leap out at me! The bloody pause button was broken though, eh, I had to go drop the kids off at the pool towards the end of the Aussie innings, it wouldn’t stop, but everything seemed to go OK.”

“Dan was enthralled – he even made little shooting noises – peeow peeow, he was going. We’re going to try this on long flights and in team meetings, for sure,” said Currie.

NEWSDESK: Annoying every man, woman and child on the planet was all the motivation Ricky Ponting’s players needed to complete their 36 run win over Pakistan in Sydney. “I told the boys we’ve got a great chance of pissing off everyone in the world if we got those wickets, a great chance,’ said Ponting. “I bet there’s a whole lot of blokes in Laos really fucked off with us right now – we’ll all be laughing about that in the bar tonight!”

Offspinner Nathan Hauritz, who pissed off Johannesburg, large parts of Ethiopia and the Maldives with his five wicket bag in Pakistan’s final innings was unrepentant. “Everyone likes to see us lose, but that’s tough. I used the tear stained faces of Cricket mad kids in India to help get us home. Damn, it feels good.”

“Those ‘blogging from their parents’ basement’ fucks on the internet helped me get a ton,” said Michael Hussey, who was voted “Number One Most Unpopular And Dastardly Man” in a Columbian website poll on Wednesday night. Hussey added he was thinking of changing his ‘Mr Cricket’ nickname to ‘Mr Suck My Balls’.

Several of the world’s leaders registered their disapproval on behalf of their nations: “Nothing unites the world like seeing Australia lose at Cricket,” said French Premier Nicolas Sarkozy, who watched the last few overs. “I hate seeing those smarmy fucks jumping around when they win. Carla is inconsolable.” Sarkozy confirmed he would instruct Parisian waiters to be ruder than usual to any Australian tourists this weekend.

ICC Chief Executive Haroon Lorgat said he deeply regretted the Australian win; “Here we are trying to grow our game and those frickin Australians go and annoy the piss out of everyone. I was on the phone to the IOC panel and most of Belgium this morning to make amends.”

While global annoyance levels for this match weren’t at the all time highs of The Great Plague or England’s Adelaide collapse, Lorgat warned that we were due for a big one. “Just imagine if this was New Zealand with a test or even series win in their grasp, before being cruelly pegged back by those Baggy Green douchebags. Actually, having thought about it, we’re all pretty much fucked.”

NEWSDESK: The All Black coaching panel have shuffled their duties for the Northern Hemisphere tour, with Graham Henry to marshall the forward pack, Wayne Smith picking up the defense, and Steve Hansen taking responsibility for Milo. “It’s a chance for us to grow the group’s skill base,” said Graham Henry. “Wayne will develop his rush and man on man defense patterns, and Steve will be working mainly on putting the milk in first. He’s very excited about the move into hot drinks, and obviously brings his Welsh Horlicks experience to the table.”

“There’s very little between the teams at this level, and ultimately, winning or losing could come down to a favorite mug from home or forgetting the sugar. I’ve been practicing my Milo micro-skills at home, and Mrs Hansen has been pretty positive,” said a bullish Hansen, who didn’t see the change from masterminding line outs to overseeing malted barley energy drinks as a step outside his comfort zone. “It’s pretty simple – when Wayne and Ted are running video sessions, I’ll be in the kitchenette. We’re clear on our roles. Luckily I fully inspected the Zip and Fridge facilities in Europe on the 2008 tour, so I’m ahead of the game already. I found an awesome travel kettle in the Kathmandu sale too, in case someone wants one on the bus. I’ve got all bases covered.”

All Black captain Richie McCaw denied rumors that player power was behind the change: “It’s a surprise to me, I thought Steve would get the bus driving job to be honest. I’m happy with it, though, he does make a mean Milo – that time he found a spare packet of Gingernuts in Pretoria would have definitely counted in his favor.”

NEWSDESK: NZRFU CEO Steve Tew warned today that continued criticism of the All Black coaching panel could see Wayne Smith and Steve Hansen’s roles taken up  by former All Black head coach John Mitchell and grinning twat Jason Gunn.

At a tense press conference, Tew said that assembled press needed to “watch it”, and that he was “this close” to  appointing the indecipherable, unpopular Mitchell to coach the All Black pack, while Dancing With The Stars co-host Gunn would oversee the backline, with Thingee joining as kicking coach in a package deal.

Tew said the NZRFU had considered this approach in the past. “We had a long look at bringing in Earle Kirton and the ZM Morning Crew after 2007, a long look,” said Tew. “We saved you ungrateful fucks two years of post match analysis with Polly and Grant.” A clearly tired and emotional Tew then challenged reporters to “Test me! Go on, test me! Do you WANT Mitch and Jase the Ace?” before being lead hurriedly away by NZRFU communications staff.

All Black coach Laurie Mains was quick to question Gunn’s coaching credentials; “I mean, I enjoy a Milo and Dancing With The Stars as much as the next man (Paul Holmes was very good, wasn’t he?), but I’d question Jason’s experience at the top level. Maybe if he came up through the Heartland comp or spent some time in the Currie Cup, they’d love him over there.”

The move is not without precedent; innovative coach Clive Woodward trialled Barry from Eastenders as defensive coordinator early in his regime and the New South Wales Warratahs have recruited Aussie party teenager Corey Delaney as head coach for next years’ Super 14.

NEWSDESK: New Black Caps selector and captain Dan Vettori has stunned team mates by benching himself for the second test in Sri Lanka, saying he’d given himself a wake up call and hopes he responds to the challenge.

“Telling myself I wasn’t playing was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, yeah. In fairness to Dan I took it well, and promised to impress myself in the nets. I want to make it hard for me to to leave me out of the next test. I’ve given myself a list of things to work on – line, length, when to leave outside off, cracking my knuckles the whole fucking time… It’s up to Dan now.”

Coach Andy Moles supported Vettori’s decision. “Dan knows what makes Dan tick, whether he responds to open and frank feedback or an arm around the shoulder from himself. He’d probably use a mirror to do that.” Team mate Ross Taylor backed his captain, saying he was confident Vettori knew what he was doing, going by the amount of time he spent talking to himself.

Former player Martin Crowe warned that swinging the axe on himself could send Vettori into his shell: “I Hope Dan Knows What He’s Doing – He Has To Eat Breakfast And Share A Room With Himself. That’s A Lot Of Time. Lot Of Time. Man Gets Crazy On His Own.” Crowe spent the next two minutes staring far, far into the distance before adding “Holy Cow”.

However Vettori was at pains to leave all communication channels open, saying “My door is always open to me if there’s anything I want to discuss.”