news

SRNZPA:  Facing with three sessions to bat with six wickets remaining, optimistic Black Caps coach Andy Moles’ strategy is simple: “We’ve got everything we need – the players, the attitude, and a couple of fire trucks. You can’t write us off just yet.”

Should his middle order struggle early and expose the tail, Moles is confident torrents and torrents of water will give the Indians something to think about. “Coming from a hot climate, their bowlers will struggle with a high pressure hose, possibly two, hitting them square in the chest. I’d say the run ups will get rather treacherous, too.”

With pride on the line and Ross Taylor, on 69* overnight, the last recognised batsman, the Indian team will run out this morning with fire crews on standby, watching their every move. “A couple of caterers have given up their spot pitch side for some heavy duty fire appliances. The team can take heart that a simple phone call will put the square under a foot of water in three or four minutes.”

SRPA: Ricky Ponting revealed he worked on his sandy-speedos press conference technique while rested from captaincy duties. A testing fixture list and a team that’s a bit shit means he’ll spend much of the next 12 months bristling at the media. “Preparation is everything – I could’ve spent the time arranging me tapes in the glove box, but I wanted to put the time in getting narky.”

ACB media training consultant Hugh Brantingham-Eton said “Even a champion like Ricky has to work on their game. I mean, he went out of his way to take offence at the Vettori / Haddin comments like a thoroughbred shitting on their trainer, but we still see areas for improvement.”

Scenario-based training tested Ponting’s self-importance and general fuck-knucklery in a variety of situations, like post match interviews, and walking through airports looking cross. “We worked on slagging groundsmen, whinging about match referees, blaming batting failures on car-parking issues and having a face like a smacked arse.” said Brantingham-Eton. “But we had fun, too, some afternoons we’d throw sausage rolls at journalist-shaped  targets, just to let off steam.”

Ponting is confident the extra training will keep him sharp: “It was back to basics. Sometimes all you need is ‘What the fuck did you just say?’, ‘What the fuck does that mean?’ and ‘I’m Ricky fucking Ponting, who the fuck are you?’, then a walk out. You can over-think this stuff.” said Ponting.