NEWSDESK: All Black utility Sonny Bill Williams claimed the NZ Beating Up Useless Guys belt in Hamilton last night, when he beat Clarence Tillman III, who despite a strong showing at the weigh in, turned out to be useless. Tillman, who does not have his own Wikipedia page, put up less resistance than a cheeseboard and lost the bout in the first round. “There won’t be a retired ex-boxer working as a takeaway chef or service station attendant that isn’t shaking in his boots now,” said Williams’ agent Khoder Nasser.
“Anyone wanna take on Sonny Bill, yeah, I’ll fuck you up, son,” said Williams, who later clarified that potential opponents with boxing experience would not be considered, but he was more than happy to accommodate fucking up non-boxers at any time, in any location. Potential opponents for Williams’ next fights include a one-armed taxi driver Nasser sourced at the airport, or the taxi driver’s thirteen year old nephew.
NEWSDESK: Sporting media questioned the All Blacks’ decision to conduct today’s press conference solely through the medium of break dance. Asked about preparations for Sunday’s world cup final, lock Ali Williams performed a series of wild airflares, followed by a toprock reverse airbaby off a table. Asked to expand on his response, Williams performed an elbow chair.
“I turned up expecting some real insight before such a crucial match, not some guy laying out lino and spinning around on it. It’s unprofessional,” said rugby journalist Fred Sauce-Tie. “It’s the worst press conference since John Eales did rhythmic gymnastics in Brisbane that time.”
Breakdancing, a popular style of street dance that was created and developed as part of hip-hop culture among African Americans and Latino youths in New York City is generally considered a non-traditional media relations channel. However, it proved popular among French media, who tapped their notepads rhythmically while Sonny Bill Williams pulled off a difficult handglide freeze. Reserve first five eighths Stephen Donald did not participate in the breakdancing, performing only light Parkour at the press conference’s conclusion.
NEWSDESK: All Black coach Graham Henry could not rule out a link between the All Blacks’ injury toll and the full contact jousting sessions that took place in closed door training this week. “People have questioned the wisdom of the boys going 25Ks an hour at each other on horseback carrying heavy lances, trying knock each other off by way of a blow to the head or torso during the world cup,” said Henry, adding: “We did give them shields.”
Dan Carter, Richie McCaw, Mils Muliaina and Israel Dagg are all out injured after taking part in the ancient martial sport that gained popularity in the 12th century, while Richard Kahui, who has a suspected broken face, is bracketed with Zac Guilford. “You have to balance the strength and hand-eye co-ordination benefits jousting training provides with the risk of spraining, crushing and stabbing injuries,” said Henry. “We’re reviewing it.”
Steve Hanson said he had good results with jousting training with Canterbury. “You learn a lot about your team mates when they’re trying to put a hole in you. Everyone wanted to have a go against Justin Marshall for some reason – shit, some of the boys have asked if he’s available now.”
Hanson denied reports Andrew Hore had gone rogue somewhere in Hamilton’s north western suburbs with a mace.
NEWSDESK: All Black selectors confirmed they were “pretty wasted” when selecting the team to face Tonga. Forwards coach Steve Hansen told a packed press conference: “We had a few selection headaches, so Smithy brought a box of Woody’s. It all kicked on from there.”
A lightly kebab-stained team sheet revealed the surprise combination of Sonny Bill Williams and Ma’a Nonu, and the inclusion of Isaia Toeava. “I was as surprised as anyone to see Kahui on the wing. Lucky Kronic has been banned, it could have been Mils at centre!” said Hansen.
“We looked at the whole squad, their form, the combinations… then we got fucko. One minute we’re discussing Conrad’s defence vs Sonny Bill’s offload, next thing I’m arguing with a bouncer about the club shutting at 5am. I wasn’t even up for a biggy!” said head coach Graham Henry. When asked if rotating the squad at this stage was dooming the team to repeat the mistakes of 2007′s early exit, a clearly tired and emotional Henry replied “Fight you,” before falling asleep awkwardly on his microphone.
NEWSDESK: Auckland bogans today gave Eden Park’s world cup dress rehearsal their seal of approval. West Auckland man Daryl Flannelette reported a thoroughly enjoyable experience at the All Blacks vs Wallabies match from what he can remember, telling reporters “It’s by the waterfront eh? No? It’s still good. Bro, I was pretty wasted.”
West Auckland man Carl ‘Metal’ Saxon praised event security’s diligence, who found and confiscated his bourbon-injected watermelon, but missed the six ‘Turbo Tequila’ shots he’d concealed in a bodily cavity (“Sucked in!” said Saxon). The east and west stands’ temporary seating gave the park a special feeling, which Saxon enhanced with several ‘Kronic’ cigarettes he was able to enjoy without detection. Food and drink at the ground was labelled ‘adequate’ from a bogan perspective, but both bogans we spoke to admitted they were recklessly inebriated before entering the ground, and believe eating is cheating when drinking alcohol.
The only down point was one Mount Eden resident charging fans $25 to urinate on his driveway pre-match. “I’ve been pissing on that guy’s driveway for free for years,” said Flannelette. “Twenty five bucks! I’ll be back mid-week to get my money’s worth.”
Bogans did not share media concern over Auckland’s public transport. “Mate, I was worried all those people queuing for trains would wreck my buzz, but I was able to hotwire a car in Cricket Ave in minutes, and was inside Showgirls half an hour after the final whistle,” said Flannelette. Saxon eliminated the transport issue altogether by spending the night at the ground, reporting the concrete in the west stand concourse was “smooth” and “surprisingly warm”.
NEWSDESK: Former All Black Stephen Donald has made himself at home on a Kapiti Coast beach. Donald, who was dropped from the All Black training squad this week, was discovered by Peka Peka Beach resident Gladys Coronation, who was out walking her dogs. “I thought I was seeing things, it’s pretty unusual to see an All Black in this neck of the woods. He seems content, but he’s just… sitting there.”
Coronation contacted the Department of Conservation, who are advising that people should remain at least ten metres away from Stephen Donald at all times, and that dogs should be kept on a leash. “Donald could deliver a vicious peck if he feels threatened. Best case scenario is that he eventually swims back out to sea,” said a DOC spokesperson.
The residents of Peka Peka beach have taken Stephen Donald into their hearts, and are taking it in turns to stand guard. “I’d love to throw a blanket on him and say ‘Just forget about fucking up in Hong Kong, bro’ but you have to let him be. You just have to let him be,” said local hardcase Gavin McEyebrow.
Some residents were concerned about Donald’s well-being and wanted DOC to intervene – the DOC spokesperson said staff were investigating long-term intervention plans if needed, but there was not a lot they could do. “There are no facilities in New Zealand that can care for Stephen Donald long term.”
The only other recording of an All Black living on a beach in New Zealand was Alan Hewson’s stint living at Southland’s Oreti Beach in 1985.
NEWSDESK: Otago Highlanders marketing exec Steve ‘Steve’ Landrover, who conceptualised changing the famous blue, gold and maroon colours to green, has been instructed to not have any more ideas.
Landrover, who believes Highlanders management “aren’t seeing the bigger picture,” said “I triangulated this opportunity for literally hours. HOURS. When you factor in the synergies between rugby – which is played on grass, and grass – which is green, it’s obvious.”
When told about the new green playing strip, which is launching this Friday, Highlanders Chairman Ross Laidlaw commented “fucking WHAT?” before refusing to comment. Otago salwart Laurie Mains is outraged, telling reporters “It’s fair to say I’m outraged – I don’t even know how outraged I am to be honest, but I’m sure it’s going to be pretty fucking outraged. I’ll figure it out and get back to you,” before hurrumphing weightily several times.
Landrover’s plans for ‘Bring A Flaming Couch, Get In Half Price’, ‘Buy One Beer, Get 14 Free’ and ‘Kids Get Pinecones Covered In Cow Shit day’ promotions have been shelved at this stage.
NEWSDESK: Former Black Cap and woman’s magazine regular Adam Parore remains a twat, despite climbing Mt Everest.
Parore, who once referred to himself as a brand, completed the 8848m ascent on Friday, no doubt thinking all the while about getting back to his trim decaf Lattés and Range Rover he left double parked on Ponsonby Road.
“My goals have always been to criticise Jesse Ryder’s weight in the national press and climb Everest, so it’s great to have knocked those bastards off,” said Parore, from the Kathmandu airport Koru Lounge.
NEWSDESK: Barry Shovel, a half back capped six times for the All Blacks between 1967 and 1978 is not short of an opinion. Ask him about any issue of the day and he’ll give you both barrels and six sprigs down your back. Which is why journalists have been beating a path to his Te Waibotherau sheep farm gate, or the bowls club if it’s after half eleven.
“If there’s one thing wrong with this country, people are afraid to call a spade a spade,” said Shovel. “Back in my day, a man didn’t need a bloody car phone or America’s Cup yacht to have an opinion. It’s still a free country, despite what those woofters up in Wellington reckon – I call it how I see it, and if you don’t like it you can stick it in your tractor, get it up to 80kph, smash it into the pub and die in a flaming fireball. Or something.”
“Shovel has fast become the New Zealand sporting media’s go-to political correctness gone mad quote source,” said Media Expert Brian Sanctimonious. “His ability to churn out cantankerous, ill informed, traditional-values-based, borderline racist moralising sound bites is an easy way to confirm the journalist’s original hypothesis and fill three to eight seconds.” Some of Shovel’s most prominent quotes include:
“Adidas needs a high tech punch punch in the face” – High tech panels to be sewn to the front of the All Blacks’ jerseys
“If Fitzy needs a Hydatids shot, he knows where to find me” – Springbok prop Johan La Roux bites Sean Fitzpatrick on the ear
“It’s touch rugby’s fault” – NZ’s 2007 quarter final defeat to France
“It’s got Helen Clark written all over it” – Proposed red fern on All Black jersey to commemorate Christchurch earthquake
Recently, Shovel has branched out into broader social commentary, telling NewsTalk ZB’s Larry Williams “Next thing you know, they’ll make it illegal to drink and drive,” in a piece about the left hand turn rule review.
NEWSDESK: International athletes have voted Wellington the best city in the world to lose their match in, according to a UK website. “Whether an athlete wants to weep quietly in the back row at World Of Wearable Arts, a radical Tana-style haircut on Cuba Street or a fight down Courtney Place, Wellington offers something for everyone,” said Babs Eyewear of travelgrumble.co.uk.
Second place sporting loser city Birmingham labeled Wellington’s rugby sevens event a ‘loser festival’, and the manner in which the whole city embraced loserdom for two days as ‘unseemly’, but this was batted away by former mayor Kerry Prendergast. “This is Hurricanes town, we don’t need to import losers. The fact of the matter is losers feel loved in the capital, we’re confident a peanut butter milkshake can wipe away any tears.”
New Zealand sporting greats Martin Crowe and Todd Blackadder have backed Wellington as a town for losers. “I Got Over Missing Out On A Triple Century At The Basin With A Quick Trip To Kelburn On The Cable Car. Walking Alone Around The Botanic Gardens Gave Me Time To… Think. Just Think.” Former All Blacks captain Todd Blackadder revealed that Al Brown took him fishing for Pilchard after John Eales got that fucking kick in 2000: “They’re very underrated eating,” said Blackadder.