NEWSDESK: International athletes have voted Wellington the best city in the world to lose their match in, according to a UK website. “Whether an athlete wants to weep quietly in the back row at World Of Wearable Arts, a radical Tana-style haircut on Cuba Street or a fight down Courtney Place, Wellington offers something for everyone,” said Babs Eyewear of travelgrumble.co.uk.

Second place sporting loser city Birmingham labeled Wellington’s rugby sevens event a ‘loser festival’, and the manner in which the whole city embraced loserdom for two days as ‘unseemly’, but this was batted away by former mayor Kerry Prendergast. “This is Hurricanes town, we don’t need to import losers. The fact of the matter is losers feel loved in the capital, we’re confident a peanut butter milkshake can wipe away any tears.”

New Zealand sporting greats Martin Crowe and Todd Blackadder have backed Wellington as a town for losers. “I Got Over Missing Out On A Triple Century At The Basin With A Quick Trip To Kelburn On The Cable Car. Walking Alone Around The Botanic Gardens Gave Me Time To… Think. Just Think.” Former All Blacks captain Todd Blackadder revealed that Al Brown took him fishing for Pilchard after John Eales got that fucking kick in 2000: “They’re very underrated eating,” said Blackadder.

NEWSDESK: All Black hooker Andrew Hore has been given permission by the NZRFU to participate in one or more fights in or around his local hotel The Drencher’s Arms over the Christmas / New Year period. Hore, who has a record of 23 and 18 in bouts where security staff did not intervene, told reporters he was “excited by the challenge” and “ready to punch snot out of some wanker.”

While his opponent is likely to be identified only at the very last minute, Hore has expressed his preference to fight someone from Auckland. The undercard features super rugby mascot Captain Hurricane versus 20 lucky schoolchildren, and Tim ‘Skinny ‘ Clearasil’s yard glass attempt.

NEWSDESK: Eyewitnesses said last night’s square off between ex-international cricketers Ian Botham and Ian Chappell was “a real let-down” and “gravely embarrassing” for both participants. Chappell, 67, reportedly sparked the fracas by insulting Botham, 55, in the Adelaide Oval carpark at the close of day’s play. “All I could hear was panting. I actually feared for my hearing,” said a bystander. “Two  out of shape slugs having it out over a piece of lettuce would have been a more absorbing spectacle.”

Botham and Chappell last came to blows during an Ashes series in 1977, when both men were far more accustomed to physical exertion. “I wish I’d seen that one,” said a car park attendant. “Chappell had a lot of anger, but not much stamina. He just kind of fell over after a few seconds. At one stage Botham threatened him with some chutney he had in his man bag. Chutney. It’s a fight, not a feckin cheese board.”

NEWSDESK: The unrest at Saturday evening’s twin Rugby League  internationals highlighted Eden Park’s unsuitability for hosting large groups of people observing sporting events. “Our re-development was designed with Auckland NPC matches, test cricket or ACT party rallies in mind. We’re talking 12 or 13 people, max,” said Steve Commodore-Lease, a spokesman for Eden Park. “Next thing we know, there’s farkin thousands of League fans showing  up on Saturday night. Lucky we’d installed, like, seats in those big buildings.”

Eden Park’s research tells them they could be placed in a similar situation for the ‘Rugby World Cup’, to held in 2011. “We knew something was up when they started building a train station next door, we were all ‘Waaaaait a minute.’ We’ll compare notes with Christchurch’s AMI Stadium, they’re  hugely experienced in hosting unpopular sporting events,” said Mr Commodore-Lease.

NEWSDESK: All Blacks assistant coach Steve Hansen was apprehended after a leisurely vehicle pursuit along Cashel Street in Christchurch at Labour weekend. The radar gun recorded his speed at just 19kph in a 50kph zone, but Hansen was not issued an infringement notice.

“Of course I let him off – he’s with the ABs. And a Mason,” said arresting officer Dane Handlebar. “Still, though. What a fucking nana.” Hansen’s treatment is consistent with that one time Grizz Wylie was found asleep at the wheel in the Shirley clubrooms carpark and was offered a taxi chit and Chocolate Primo by police.

NEWSDESK: Commonwealth Games officials have admitted contracting Otago University student interior design firm Yardglass, Cistern and Crack to decorate Athlete’s Village may have been the wrong move. “I don’t know what kind of squalor these ‘students’ live in, but this is unholy. I can understand a few baked beans on a ceiling, but in every room? That growth I encountered in a lavatory is making it hard for me to sleep,” said Hon. Michael Fennell of the organising committee.

A spokesman for Yardglass, Cistern and Crack said the athlete’s village design was consistent with their earlier work. “We need a bit of perspective – no-one’s shat in anyone’s bed yet.” The spokesman pointed to several years experience decorating student flats in Dunedin with a 65% bond refund strike rate as well as innovations like astroturf carpeting, longdrop toilet conversions and a fridge in the lounge.

“Athletes bringing a synchronised swimmer back to their room may want to leave the light off, but that’s standard practice where we’re from.”

YC&C admitted cultural differences and the fact games officials thought their architectural model was something someone had spilled had lead to confusion, and promised emergency remedial work immediately. An engineer was later seen heading to the athlete’s village with an industrial roll of Glad Wrap.

Fresh concerns emerged last last night about a related Otago events management company’s plans for the opening ceremony titled ‘Slumdog 500′, involving a number of barely road worthy vehicles, drunk driving and civil unrest.

NEWSDESK: sportreview.net.nz can exclusively reveal that popular Channel Nine commentator Ian Healy has been taking large sums of cash in return for delivering fucking idiotic comments to order, so as to game the fucking idiotic comment spot gambling market.

A sportreview.net.nz reporter went undercover to meet Healy in his hotel. “He was keen to do a deal. He even demonstrated a few fucking idiotic comments in the room to show he could do the business. It could have just been him talking, but still… they were pretty idiotic.”

Healy outlined how it would work:

HEALY: “I’ll be in the booth just after the first drinks break. Richie’ll come on first crapping on about the score or something, then I’ll come in with something fucking idiotic.”

REPORTER: “How will we know it’s our comment?”

HEALY: “You’ll know, mate. You’ll know.”

Our reporter said “Healy delivered the goods – it was like clockwork. First thing out of his mouth was ‘Here comes Ricky Ponting, you can tell by his arm hair he’s got the freshest armpits in the game. That’s the mark of a true Aussie champion.’ We could’ve cleaned up at the bookie’s with that and fully got our money’s worth.” Healy went on to deliver two more fucking idiotic comments during that day’s play, causing his fellow commentators to remark on their idiocy at the time.

Healy’s Channel Nine colleagues were saddened that Healy has bought the fucking idiotic into disrepute: “This kind of fucking idiocy needs to be weeded out of the game, so we can get back to a more innocent, genuine kind of fucking idiocy,” said Bill Lawry.  When confronted with the allegations, Healy challenged our reporter to pick out the planted comments from his normal commentary: “Mate, just about everything I say is fucking idiotic – that goes for in the booth, and at home. That’s the mark of a true Aussie champion.”

NEWSDESK: Warriors second rower Michael Luck is out for at least a week with a totally wicked gash to his leg. When Anthony Watmough’s boot scraped Luck’s leg in an innocous looking tackle, it opened up an 18cm wound, in a freak occurance that fucking rules. Luck’s boot quickly filled with blood, which was exacerbated by the Warriors players making the wound ‘talk’ for a laugh.

The sweet-as injury has been likened to a shark bite by Luck’s team mates: “Or a gorilla, a gorilla could’ve done that. With its teeth,” said Warriors captain Simon Mannering. “Maybe a bear,” said utility back Lance Hohaia. “One thing’s for sure, I’m going to watch the shit out of it on My Sky.”

Luck was rushed to hospital immeditely after medical staff, stadium security and fans had finished taking photos of his exposed muscle tissue with their mobile phones. “Mate, this is up there with Cowboy Lonergan’s ‘Help! I’m stuck in washing machine!’ bit from ’91,” said the Mad Butcher, who has ‘Lucky Offal’ on sale all this week at $8.99 a kilo.

NEWSDESK: NZRFU CEO Steve Tew this morning revealed details of a special non-playing role for new signing Sonny Bill Williams. “Sonny Bill has already created huge interest in the NPC and Canterbury club rugby, with appearances limited to walking through Westfield mall food courts wearing jandals. We’re looking to dimension that onto the national stage.”

The form of All Black midfielders Ma’a Nonu and Conrad Smith has freed Williams to explore other channels for his talents: “There’s a wealth of options on the table for Sonny Bill – riding on the team bus wearing headphones, running through crowds of reporters and getting really good at rugby on the XBox. We’ll probably encourage him to tweet about it,” said Tew.

Other off field opportunties include a possible charity boxing match against Simon Dallow (“Simon has a lot of anger,” commented Dallow’s representative), and a rumored contract for Williams to drive a Hummer around Tamaki Drive to promote woman’s hockey.

NEWSDESK: Drunk All Black fans have slammed the actions of NZ cricket boss Justin Vaughan at Saturday’s Bledisloe Cup test match in Melbourne. “Vaughan was clearly unable to chop his piss – he made me ashamed to be Kiwi,” said Rangiora farm hand Mark Jughandle. After a drinking spree that began in his hotel bed that morning, Jughandle had consumed an estimated 23 draught beers by the time he took his seat at Etihad stadium, but his enjoyment of the match was severely hindered by Vaughan, who “totally wrecked the buzz” and was most likely a “soft cock”.

Justin Vaughan, who lives in Auckland, “whinged like a little bitch”, declined the offer of a fight and “ratted out” Jughandle’s group to stewards. He also performed poorly in an impromptu boat race, consuming a mere three chardonnays over the course of the match, however Jughandle did concede Vaughan may have been unaware he was participating in said race.

Jughandle has labelled Vaughan’s behavior as unacceptable and called for a review of minimum alcohol levels at grounds: “Mate, I reckon Helen Clark would be better value on the piss. Guys like him should be breathtested at the gate to make sure they’ve got enough down them.”