Bonus: All Black passive aggresssive notes

Black Caps manager Dave Currie said “Dan became such a pain in the arse once he was injured, we decided to give him an old Atari joystick and sit him in the stand to keep him occupied. It worked surprisingly well.”

While the experience was totally immersive, there are still some areas of the game to iron out, according to Vettori. “I mean, the batting was a little out, Shane Bond seemed to have got James Franklin’s batting skills, and vice versa, they’ll want to have a look at that. Injuries added a real challenge, I was out for starters, then Jake got injured halfway through – like I say, it’s pretty realistic,” said Vettori.

The injured Black Caps captain raved about the depth of field and wind effects, praising the game manufacturer’s attention to detail. “I could smell the hotdogs, I kept on expecting frickin Na’vi to leap out at me! The bloody pause button was broken though, eh, I had to go drop the kids off at the pool towards the end of the Aussie innings, it wouldn’t stop, but everything seemed to go OK.”

“Dan was enthralled – he even made little shooting noises – peeow peeow, he was going. We’re going to try this on long flights and in team meetings, for sure,” said Currie.

Reference

“What’s that mate? Bangladesh? Yep, it’s a strip club, we were headed there for Dirk’s stag, but I got into a fight in KFC and spent the night in a cell. Nicked all their bog roll, though.

“What? Cricket? Bangladesh? It’s a country? Key the Falcon, never heard of it. They any good? Useless? Yip. If the Black Caps can beat em they must be as handy as four Swiss army knives in your arse.

“I’ll tell you the problem with Cricket – Cricketers are farkin soft. You’re meant to spend summer in The Sounds drinking piss with a broken arm, not getting grass stains out of your trousers. I bet those Cricket shit heels haven’t even been on a Jet-Ski.

“I mean the AUSSIES are good at Cricket. Aussies. We gave them Robbie Farkin Deans and they can’t even get a decent Rugby team together. That’s about as wrong as taking your missus to the trots. We could sort the Black Caps out with Robbie, a bottle of Coruba and a locked room.

“Have I watched any of the games? I’d rather try and shave my back. Julie Seymour could be wandering around in her undies at fine leg, and I’d only flick over during the ads.

“We done? Good.

“…anyway, I farkin wish I hadn’t drawn Stephen Brett on me Drizabone in Vivid…”

Mostly, there’s too much Cricket in Cricket books – if we wanted to read a match report, we’d dial up CricInfo, you know. JRod skillfully runs through each test session by session, but throws in just enough jokes, offensive language and base innuendo to make it compelling reading.

On the NPower promotional girls: “Guys trying to pick up promotional girls is about the saddest thing you can see, like Hotel Rwanda followed by a news report on buring puppies.”

On ‘Random’ Rudi Koertzen: “Sometimes I think  he gives himself extra time by raising his finger slowly just so he can surprise himself.”

For me, the book’s peak is around the Lord’s test, from the scene from the press box, to almost killing Richie Benaud using Swine Flu, to a hilarious conversation between Rudi Koertzen and Billy Bowden (Are you sure, or do we need to go upstairs, Billy? There are no stairs here, Rudi.), to the most sublime writing about mass vomit since Stand By Me.

It’s also the story of HIS Ashes, his first in England as a writer; what the series means to him, his impending wedding and going to the Oval with his family – this backstory makes the book richer, without getting all Nick Hornby about it.

It’s well documented that JRod’s mission to turn himself into a Proper Cricket Writer from a standing start impresses the fuck out of me – WFBJ is a big step up from his first book. Buy a copy now, so you can bore your kids about him when he’s editing Wisden or sticking his keys in a pitch on the telly. Highly recommended.

In order to poll the Cricket public’s understanding, sportreview.net.nz presents a pop quiz, using 1977’s Star Wars as a model for a modern international Cricket coaching.

Is the Black Caps’ coaching set up more like:

Option A: C3PO and R2D2

C3PO is the kind of droid that emails Health & Safety to see if he’s allowed to use the Millenium Falcon’s toilet – you can trust his advice, but you really want to be wearing your ipod if you’re sat beside him waiting to bat.

R2 has a working relationship with C3PO, but he’s definitely his own droid. He thinks fast and gets results, and that’s what gets him loaded into an X-Wing to help blow up the fucking Death Star.

Option B: Ben ‘Obi Wan’ Kenobi and Luke Skywalker

Luke looks up to Ben, but concerns remain he might pick up bad habits from Han Solo, journeyman pro from the Corellia country scene.

Ben’s been pretty handy with a bat over the years, and has been on all the big tours. What he lacks in footwork these days, he makes up in mind games and getting in his opponent’s head. Superb facial hair. He’s keen to do some mentoring with the up and comers.

Option C: Darth Vader and Admiral Motti

Mark: Don’t try to frighten us with your sorcerous ways, Lord Vettori. Your sad devotion to backing away and cutting may have worked against a popgun Pakistan attack, but is it clairvoyance enough against the Australi….

Mark: *choking noises*

Dan: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Share your answer in the comments.