Wright, part of NZ’s successful 80s side and most recently coach of the champion Indian team, was a popular choice to coach the side, but his working relationship with goggle-eyed freak Buchanan was marked by tension. “I need to be careful what I say here, but the guy’s a wanker,” said Wright. “KPI this and brain-map that. In my day, players played, coaches coached, and director of cricket was only something Paddles Hadlee went on about when he was drunk. We all thought he was hallucinating and dead-armed him on the bowling arm until he shut up.”

NZ’s recent coaching regime has been marked with turmoil, with Andy Moles, Mark Greatbach and Daniel Vettori all taking turns in the hot seat in recent years, and South African legend Allan Donald joining, then leaving the Black Caps coaching staff. “I think we had a good fifteen minutes there when everything was going great – admittedly, bringing in a Australian control freak with cold, dead eyes during the ‘going great’ window may have lead to a negative value spiral output, but I’m confident that feedback will be raised in our yearly review cycle. We’ve got robust systems in place,” said White.

Vettori’s team mates were relaxed, saying Vettori has a history of attempted retirements. The former captain reportedly goes missing for extended periods in airports if left unsupervised and even tried to rapidly retire from a team bus en route to the Basin Reserve during the third test. “The guy that rings Tony Veitch going on about Dan retiring? That’s Dan,” said Doug Bracewell.

Another team mate who did not wish to be named said: “That time he read Chris Rattue and found himself agreeing… I mean, that had put him over the edge eh. Agreeing with Rattue would be pretty rough on anyone.”

“I’m looking at my mates in the commentary box bagging the Black Caps and thinking it’d be bloody easier just to join them. I’m not trying to be funny, but if you ask Dan to take a long look at Dan, I’m sure Dan will come to the right decision. For Dan,” said Vettori.

One minute, we’re giving Zimbabwe a pummelling. Now, schoolkids are laughing at us in the streets. Eh. What happened? Guys? I know I wasn’t around when you needed me to bat and tell everyone where to stand in the field and that, but still.

Fuck, I should have said ‘Nek Minnit’ just then eh. Hah.

There’s a couple of things I want to bring up. Um. Brendon? Stand-in captain means you’re only in charge for a little while. You can’t just turn my locker into a weights room. Can you get rid of all that shit, and take down all the Brendon posters Brendon? Ta. And you other guys, you don’t have to get tattoos if you don’t want to eh.

Yeah nah Dan, I still want to be captain eh. Cheers.

And OK, Jesse IS a farkin’ legend on the piss, but he’s not allowed to do that when he’s injured. To be fair, Dougie was a shit wingman, and we need to learn from that. Look out for your mates when you’re getting shitfaced. Focus, guys. Focus. Yeah.

Kruger? What are you doing here? I really wanted a wicketkeeper called BJ. That was going to be awesome fun. BJ! Hah.

Wrighty’s pissed off. He rung me up, made me pause the XBox and everything. Going on about farkin’ Bruce Edgar and ticker and that. Um. Have any of you guys heard of Lee Germon, cos he kept on going on about him as well. I’m going to Wikipedia him right after this. Cheers, yeah.

The highlight of my sporting week.

The South Africans are here, and after Martin Guptill tried to redecorate the upper reaches of the Cake Tin using his bat and the South African bowling attack in the first T20, things were looking up. Of any of the top teams in world cricket, we must fancy ourselves against the Proteas – they’re good but mentally flaky, kind of like the All Blacks were.

So it’s a shame we totally rolled over in Hamilton and Auckland. Seddon Park, like Hamilton night life, is packed with delights and dangers. The small boundaries mean you can rack up a big score in no time, but if your bowling attack is not on its game, you’re going to struggle. And we did. It’s rare that I agree with Ian Smith on anything, but yes, what could Southee have possibly said to Richard Levi, while he casually smacked the fastest T20 century ever. “Har, you totally missed my car”? Ahem.

Auckland, on the other hand, was special. To say we had it in the bag is like saying Graeme Smith isn’t very funny. Yes, Jesse took his foot off the gas when it mattered, but our other batsmen were guilty of playing shots that were, to borrow a phrase from Wisden, fucking stupid. It’s only T20, but if we’re looking to build and hang on to momentum, we should have won from there and made it look easy. It’d be great if we could back up the Black Caps’ reported sledging by being good at cricket. The worst part of the defeat for me was watching the news the next day and seeing Graeme Smith, Dale Steyn and Jacques Kallis sifting around the team hotel – now we have to beat SA with those guys in the team too. I’m still looking forward to these tests, but.

Because I’m on holiday, and because I haven’t been blogging much, here’s some links to keep you going:

Hadyn also picked up on the greatest rugby story ever written

Bill Murray hangs out with sports people – photo gallery with mostly golfers and basketballers

Lionel Messi never dives

Richard Hadlee makes Ian Botham look like a piece of cheese holding a cricket bat

Rugby World Cup
As a nation, New Zealand did the vacuuming, put the sausage rolls in the oven and hosted the rugby world simply and well, despite the haters and grandstanding, which became less and less important as we went. As for the rugby – well, we bloody won it, didn’t we? Two months on, you only have to show me Graham Henry’s post-final-win-eyebrow gymnastics or Richie McCaw being eye-gouged and I’m glowing like those folk in Cocoon.

Beating the Aussies
After a world cup (remember that) where we did our lose-in-the-semi thing, That First Win In Australia Since Ever was an epic of fingernails on the floor. It was hard to know what kind of NZ cricket team we had post-captaincy switch (alright, it’s ALWAYS hard to know what kind of team we have), but the Tasmanian fightback showed we had some real heart – and hope for the future. Bring on the South Africans.

Super Tottenham
I haven’t mentioned them much on the site, for fear of jinxing them. After missing out narrowly last time, Spurs are quietly having a brilliant season and look very much at home in the top four. Ask me more about how it’s going after we beat Chelsea this morning.

Le Tour
One of the best and worst I’ve seen – worst because of the first week crashes that took Wiggins et al out – best because of the slow burning drama and eventual, worthy winner. Cadel deserved his win for the way he rode, and the way he’s ridden over the last few years. He won’t do it again though, and I hope for a few more fireworks next year. It’s been a fantastic year for NZ’s cyclists also, the folding of Pure Black Racing aside – hoping for a big medal haul on the track in London next year too.

Man of the year
Well, who do you reckon? Stephen Donald is a bigger folk hero than Bob Dylan, his journey from whitebaiting to world cup winner was more beautiful than an unattended burger restaurant. The whole country got the Beaver fever and I couldn’t have been more pleased. Here he is resting on the beach or my little tribute.

sportreview.net.nz highlights
A new daughter, other family stuff and employment related madness meant I’ve not been able to give as much care and attention to the site as I’d like – but I’m still proud of how it’s gone this year. I’ve done some of my favourite rugby writing ever on the back of the world cup, with the brouhaha over the jerseys beforehand, and the nervousness against Argentina, beating Australia in the semi, the final the highlights for me. Drinking was a reoccurring theme over the year, with the All Black selectors getting drunk and this little number about alcohol abuse in the north of England.

Twitter, obviously, is where all the former sports bloggers are hanging out these days – and most of the athletes. It’s possible to go from abusing someone on the field to abusing them on the internet in no time nowadays. Two twitter related posts: for the cricket and for the rugby. I love Powerpoint (even thought it was a slow year for sportreview cartoons) and loved this.

Of course, most thanks go to you, mysterious readers. This site is obviously a little labour of love, I do it for no other reason than I enjoy it thoroughly. sportreview.net.nz is the kind of crappy NZ sports blog I would like to read if this one didn’t exit – it’s extremely heartening to know others enjoy it too. Thanks, appreciate it.

Other stuff:

My top five listened to songs, from last.fm:
1. Harry Nilsson – Lullaby In Ragtime
2. Robyn – Dancing On My Own
3. Robyn – Indestructible
4. Joni Mitchell – Car on a Hill
4. Harry Nilsson – Always

I’ve done bugger-all film watching or reading this year. Drive was the best (only?) (current) film I saw at the cinema, and I’m working my way through Peter Guralnick’s Elvis Bios. TV wise, I’ve really got into Game Of Thrones, Breaking Bad and Community. I’ve also thoroughly enjoyed the Discourse NZ podcast. All recommended.

Wishing you a happy and more settled 2012 – see you next year!

 Photos:

Me and Dan. I told him how gutted I was for him, but also how stoked I was for Stephen Donald.

Best rugby ground in NZ, still. Tremendous atmosphere for all three matches I went to there.

Eden Park felt like a proper international stadium during the RWC. Let’s hope they keep those temporary stands somewhere handy.

Future Tour de France champ.

From the team hotel, walk just a few blocks towards the Tasman bridge and you’ll suddenly be out of the city and amongst greenery and trees on the Domain. There’s parrots in the trees, a reasonably priced cafe, and plenty of room to stretch the hammies and forget all about cricketers with the ability to run pain-free and the “how’s that!” and the “how’s the leg?” Fuck those guys.

From there, it’s a short walk to Sullivan’s Cove, and the sights and sounds of the docks. The shipping activity and the colourful characters means great people watching, and the chance to just melt into the crowd and be just another guy with a beard and a sad, sad story. I had a great night sampling 19 or so of the local whiskeys, and singing sea shanties with fishermen in the streets. They loved my ‘Quint from Jaws’ impression!

The day after, I recommend getting up early and exploring the streetlife and cafe scene of Salamanca. The Machine Laundry Cafe does a fantastic Eggs Benne, the service is fast and friendly and a bit slow on the uptake spotting the old ‘mini bar vodka in the tomato juice’ trick, happy days! I spent a very happy morning there trying not to look at cricinfo on my phone.

Don’t miss the Cadbury Chocolate Factory, with a fascinating tour. You can learn about how your favourite chocolate bars are made. The staff are knowledgeable and friendly, and know how to handle a weeping professional athlete on a self-destructive Violet Crumble eating binge with both professionalism and understanding. Visitors also receive a chocolate treat.

I’d recommend Hobart as a relaxing place to visit – aimlessly walking about a strange city for five days was a great way to deaden the pain of being injured while NZ won our first test on Australian soil since 1985. Hobart’s charms and character meant I could forget about those niggling concerns that the selectors reckon a four seam attack is the way to go long term for the moment. Happy travels everyone!

“The guys needed to talk about what went wrong and take responsibility for the defeat,” said Wright. “They didn’t even take responsibility for talking about cricket for 25 minutes.”

Captain Ross Taylor said “The boys were pretty upset after the match, and had a lot to get off their chests. Then Marty reckoned the internet reckoned we should work on our hand-eye co-ordination, so we plugged in the XBox. We made Dan take a break after a while, he was shooting his own guys in the face the whole time and laughing really, really loudly. Apart from that, it was good.”

Other Black Caps news:

Opener Brendan McCallum requested to be dropped off the team bus a few hundred metres from the ground, saying nothing was wrong, but he just wanted to walk the last bit by himself.

Taylor’s experimental running-between-wickets ‘Yeah, nah’ call has been abandoned.

Sportsfreak has a petition going to keep domestic cricket on Radio Sport over the summer. It is your duty to support this fine initiative – one day, you’re not going to be able to put off painting that deck any longer. Do YOU want to listen to Des from Whanganui’s stream of conciousness talkback on why we should have lost the RWC while you do it? I farkin’ don’t. Support cricket, sign up.

“But don’t the writers write to the level of the fans? “Sports fans here are pretty well informed. I think they would appreciate a greater sense of journey being brought to describing sports events. They don’t start at two o’clock at kick-off. They start days beforehand.” – Tim Wilson on NZ sport writing via Quote Unquote

Long read from Wired about the new America’s Cup catamarans, and testing them on the Hauraki Gulf. Looks like the next regatta will be the yachting equivalent of playing T20 cricket on crystal meth, inside a Ferrari driven at high speed. Masochistically, I’ll kind of miss the maddeningly-slow tension build up, Dennis Conner and the lawyers.

The Premiership has gone goal crazy, with freak results every weekend – it’s going to be a great year, I look forward to Man City pulling off a Newcastle style collapse and Alex Fergusson finally exploding from stress, they look to be the obvious highlights. Meanwhile, seven Tottenham wins on the trot. I like it.

Shark pool!

As a leader of men, Taylor doesn’t seem the most natural, more Kim Hughes than Steve Waugh. Going for the softly-spoken, lead-by-slogging-everything-to-square-leg Taylor, as opposed to the confident, lead-by-telling-everyone-what-to-fucking-do McCullum, the Black Caps are handing even more power to coach John Wright. He’s our guy though, and he deserves a decent go – let’s see what happens.

New Black Caps captain Ross Taylor remembers mid-presser that he’d forgotten to change his bizarre-arse Twitter avatar

TV One took the chance to rake some mud, in one of the crappiest pieces of journalism in a long time according to Twitter’s Richard Boock (I agree). Reporter Anthony Stevens told shocked TV One viewers killing time until Coro comes on that Brendon McCullum was part of the Black Caps’ ‘drinking’ ‘culture’, ‘enjoyed’ by 70% of the team and that the pisshead faction wanted McCullum as captain. I bet they do – after all, it’s every young Kiwi male’s dream to one day grow up to be a Black Cap and spend long rainy days on tour in the subcontinent drinking duty free Tia Maria and playing cards. What effect the puritanical Taylor will have on this out of control alcohol abuse is unknown – maybe they’ll just  play cricket better and that. Imagine.

Everyone’s next question was ‘who’s going to be vice-captain? Brendon McCullum was no-where to be seen, texting the TV One reporter that he needed time to collect his thoughts. If we don’t take the obvious candidate, maybe we should cast the net wider – really get some Bracewell-style outside the box thinking going.

Anyway. In rugby, the Hurricanes two signed off in a fitting manner – Nonu, criticised for his tendency to pick up yellow cards, put in a heavy should charge on Dan Carter, while Hore, criticised for his drinking, drank a beer on the field. Right.

And sportreview favourite Stephen Donald has been put out of his All Black misery, clearing the way for a one way ticket to England. Henry said: “Difficult obviously because he’s been a very positive member of that group for some time. He’s a great guy to have in the team. Hugely well organised at training. We just think there are other people playing better right now.” Fair enough – go well Stephen.