abramovich

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Roman Abramovich checks in

October 9, 2009 in abramovich by Richard Irvine | No comments

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Didier Drogba: Yeaaaaaaaaaaah!

Roman: Greetings. We have not spoken for some time, but I have not been idle. No, I work hard to realise my vision of a world where my enemies pray for the swift, merciful death a chainsaw brings.

Didier Drogba: Number ONE baby, yeah!

Roman: This man Scolari disappointed me deeply. I saw him as my dark prince, sitting beside my throne, amusing me whenever I poked him with a sharp stick. But when I took him in to my Sloane Square rook, and he recoiled at my taxidermy Chelsea fans, I knew I must let him go.

Didier Drogba: Look at this big shiny trophy – IN YOUR FACE!

Roman: And so I walk alone once again. My only amusement is punching dogs in the face. This ‘Football’ is for the weak and fat, but remains the perfect cover for my operations.

Didier Drogba: Paaaaaaaarty!

Roman: Sleep well, my friends. Soon, you will know the triumph of riding trained bears through London streets awash with blood. Await my signal.

Roman Abramovich wishes you merry Xmas

December 22, 2007 in abramovich by Richard Irvine | No comments

In December even a cruel, ruthless Russian overlord’s mind turns to seasonal merriment. We Abramovichs celebrate Christmas like all of you. Only this morning I hunted reindeer from my chopper with agent orange, and on Christmas eve we’ll enjoy dwarfs re-enacting the film ‘300′ in the drawing room to peals of children’s laughter.It’s a time of reflection on a year of great achievement. The first act of The Special One Mourinho’s elimination is complete. The second act will come as soon as The Pit Of Ducks With Shark’s Teeth is ready and the ‘Armani Sale’ sign is installed outside. My experimental giant toad cadaver / voice box hybrid was installed as head coach, and my cleaner made Avram’s episode with the journalist and the industrial bacon slicer go away quickly. 2008 will see deployment of my chloroform impregnated Chelsea scarves with ezi-garrote action, and my finest hour will soon be at hand.

I wish you the best for 2008. Be you my friend, you will die quickly, with an absolute minimum of stabbing. Be you my enemy… your face will soon be familiar with the ground, repeatedly and from very high up. Good health!

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Roman Abramovich writes to young Chelsea fans

August 12, 2007 in abramovich, football by Richard Irvine | No comments


Chelsea chairman Roman Abramovich is a man of ominous, brooding, dark, dark mystery. Here’s his responses to children’s letters to Chelsea’s official fan’s magazine.

Dear Chelsea magazine -
My favourite colour is blue. I can’t wait for the football to start again, and when I’m big enough I want to play for Chelsea. I like playing football with my brother.
Darren, 6, Reading

Darren –
Blood. Let blood be your guide. When you have spent the off season waist deep in offal of indeterminate origin like Roman Abramovich, your thinking will be much, much clearer.
Roman

Dear Chelsea magazine –
I love Chelsea. When they win I run around in the garden yelling “Yes! Yes! Yes!” with all my might. I hope you win the Champions’ League this year. The other lads in my class mostly support Arsenal, but I love Chelsea FC!
Mike, 8, Richmond

Dear Mike –
Many, many years ago, a group of young Russians made a big mistake. They mocked a young man who was true of heart, whose only crime was the thick, matted hair covering his body no razor could tame. They laughed. They laughed and mocked. They sung “Roman’s a retard!” They’re all dead now.
Roman

Dear Chelsea magazine –
I love my Chelsea teddy bear. I called him “Terry”. I’m six. Can I be a ball boy?
Stevie, 4, Fulham

Dear Stevie –
I love Chelsea too! Why not buy your bear an official Chelsea scarf? They’re only 18.99 and available online. (edited by Chelsea FC communications dept.)
Roman

Roman Abramovich – season roundup

May 17, 2007 in abramovich, football by Richard Irvine | No comments


We asked Chelsea FC chairman Roman Abramovich for some of his highlights of the Premiership season 2006/7.

Game of the season
Dawn. Another day on this cursed earth. Another day closer to revenge.

Player of the season
My legions in the sewers, hold your positions. I know it’s damp and smelly, but fear not, this Christmas you’ll each be blessed with a box of matches. And an egg. And a Chelsea FC cup holder.

Funniest moment
Do not cross me. Be warned that my vengeance is fast and brutal – when our time comes you’ll see the terrible fate of the weak and of the Belgian. That’s right.

Unsung hero
I sit in the directors box grinning with apparently no clue whatsoever about what’s happening around me – it’s all a cunning ruse to thrown THEM off our trail. Yes, that’s it. A ruse. I am dreaming of my ultimate power.

Surprise package
Stay on your guard. When Armageddon hour is at hand, I’ll send an entire squadron of my winged serpent scouts with the signal. Soon all the world will fear the name Roman Abramovich. Those still alive, that is.

What’s Roman thinking?

May 3, 2007 in abramovich, football by Richard Irvine | No comments


Ken Bates *Watching football*

Woman in the middle *Watching football, slightly distracted by schoolgirl-ish giggling on her left, feels cold and her knuckles are white from clutching handrail – not quite sure why*

Roman Abaramovich *Thinking about tonight, when under the cover of darkness he’ll hide behind trees in Hyde Park and leap out screaming to frighten strolling lovers before running away laughing manically, knuckles dragging, leaving his minders to erase their memories with fists and boots*

Abramovich quiz

April 16, 2007 in abramovich, football by Richard Irvine | 3 comments


What’s happening in this picture?

a) Chelsea FC Chairman Roman Abramovich celebrates his team’s progress to the FA Cup final with a late, late, winner against Blackburn on Sunday?

b) Russian Oil magnate Roman Abramovich checks out the crude oil prices?

c) Zombie overlord Roman Abramovich receives word his rouge scientist working feverishly in a Siberian lab is nearing completion of the super virus that, when released into the world’s water supply, will turn the population into brain eating walking dead trained to do his bidding?

d) Bad boy Roman Abramovich orders his KGB-trained bodyguard (front) to beat someone up?

Abramovich: Werewolf

April 9, 2007 in Zombie, abramovich, football by Richard Irvine | No comments


Check out this photo of Chelsea FC’s sugar daddy Roman Abramovich at his first wedding – I reckon he’s a werewolf, eh.

That would explain a lot.

UPDATE: Holy. Shit. The shaved werewolf might have fooled (and possibly devoured) one unfortunate Russian bride, but now he’s going out with a Zombie! Check out that brain-hungry mouth, the dead, dead eyes and listing posture. She is FULLY a Zombie. What’s going on at Stamford Bridge? And why does Roman look so pleased? What does he know that we don’t? Does that smug, far-away look in his eyes mean he’s dreaming of a post-zombie-infestation apocalyptic world where he rules the few survivors through a callous blend of terror, fear and ritual humiliation? I think we should be told.