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NEWSDESK: sportreview.net.nz can exclusively reveal that popular Channel Nine commentator Ian Healy has been taking large sums of cash in return for delivering fucking idiotic comments to order, so as to game the fucking idiotic comment spot gambling market.
A sportreview.net.nz reporter went undercover to meet Healy in his hotel. “He was keen to do a deal. He even demonstrated a few fucking idiotic comments in the room to show he could do the business. It could have just been him talking, but still… they were pretty idiotic.”
Healy outlined how it would work:
HEALY: “I’ll be in the booth just after the first drinks break. Richie’ll come on first crapping on about the score or something, then I’ll come in with something fucking idiotic.”
REPORTER: “How will we know it’s our comment?”
HEALY: “You’ll know, mate. You’ll know.”
Our reporter said “Healy delivered the goods – it was like clockwork. First thing out of his mouth was ‘Here comes Ricky Ponting, you can tell by his arm hair he’s got the freshest armpits in the game. That’s the mark of a true Aussie champion.’ We could’ve cleaned up at the bookie’s with that and fully got our money’s worth.” Healy went on to deliver two more fucking idiotic comments during that day’s play, causing his fellow commentators to remark on their idiocy at the time.
Healy’s Channel Nine colleagues were saddened that Healy has bought the fucking idiotic into disrepute: “This kind of fucking idiocy needs to be weeded out of the game, so we can get back to a more innocent, genuine kind of fucking idiocy,” said Bill Lawry. When confronted with the allegations, Healy challenged our reporter to pick out the planted comments from his normal commentary: “Mate, just about everything I say is fucking idiotic – that goes for in the booth, and at home. That’s the mark of a true Aussie champion.”
NEWSDESK: Warriors second rower Michael Luck is out for at least a week with a totally wicked gash to his leg. When Anthony Watmough’s boot scraped Luck’s leg in an innocous looking tackle, it opened up an 18cm wound, in a freak occurance that fucking rules. Luck’s boot quickly filled with blood, which was exacerbated by the Warriors players making the wound ‘talk’ for a laugh.
The sweet-as injury has been likened to a shark bite by Luck’s team mates: “Or a gorilla, a gorilla could’ve done that. With its teeth,” said Warriors captain Simon Mannering. “Maybe a bear,” said utility back Lance Hohaia. “One thing’s for sure, I’m going to watch the shit out of it on My Sky.”
Luck was rushed to hospital immeditely after medical staff, stadium security and fans had finished taking photos of his exposed muscle tissue with their mobile phones. “Mate, this is up there with Cowboy Lonergan’s ‘Help! I’m stuck in washing machine!’ bit from ’91,” said the Mad Butcher, who has ‘Lucky Offal’ on sale all this week at $8.99 a kilo.
NEWSDESK: NZRFU CEO Steve Tew this morning revealed details of a special non-playing role for new signing Sonny Bill Williams. “Sonny Bill has already created huge interest in the NPC and Canterbury club rugby, with appearances limited to walking through Westfield mall food courts wearing jandals. We’re looking to dimension that onto the national stage.”
The form of All Black midfielders Ma’a Nonu and Conrad Smith has freed Williams to explore other channels for his talents: “There’s a wealth of options on the table for Sonny Bill – riding on the team bus wearing headphones, running through crowds of reporters and getting really good at rugby on the XBox. We’ll probably encourage him to tweet about it,” said Tew.
Other off field opportunties include a possible charity boxing match against Simon Dallow (“Simon has a lot of anger,” commented Dallow’s representative), and a rumored contract for Williams to drive a Hummer around Tamaki Drive to promote woman’s hockey.
Last Friday I was at a ‘work’ ‘off-site’ at Eden Park – it was fascinating seeing the game preparations, with guys marking out the advertising on the grass, seemingly by hand, the Auckland team playing a raucous game of touch and the Waikato team later mooching around the turf like a bunch of bored teenagers at a shopping mall, taking it all in. It seemed to work for them.
Meanwhile, the big screen on the Western stand played an unidentifiable swords n goblin epic (Underworld?) DVD menu. All day.
The new Southern stand must be pretty close to being finished – it’s imposing. The new terraces (that now incorporate the old Panasonic stand) look much more sanitary than the old ones, at this stage.
More photos – the Southern and Western stands, the Southern and a little model of the whole thing.
This is the reason sportreview.net.nz will never afford to purchase its European Corporate HQ (sportreview’s American Corporate HQ is the Ironman house) – following up the best traffic week ever with no posts at all. Ahem.
Anyway, it’s time to announce the winner of the crappy sportscafe DVD, first and only prize in the ‘Photoshop Matthew Hayden to look like a twat‘ competition. Read the judge’s comments and winner announcement inside…
Continue reading “Matthew Hayden photoshop competition – the winner”
NEWSDESK: Drunk All Black fans have slammed the actions of NZ cricket boss Justin Vaughan at Saturday’s Bledisloe Cup test match in Melbourne. “Vaughan was clearly unable to chop his piss – he made me ashamed to be Kiwi,” said Rangiora farm hand Mark Jughandle. After a drinking spree that began in his hotel bed that morning, Jughandle had consumed an estimated 23 draught beers by the time he took his seat at Etihad stadium, but his enjoyment of the match was severely hindered by Vaughan, who “totally wrecked the buzz” and was most likely a “soft cock”.
Justin Vaughan, who lives in Auckland, “whinged like a little bitch”, declined the offer of a fight and “ratted out” Jughandle’s group to stewards. He also performed poorly in an impromptu boat race, consuming a mere three chardonnays over the course of the match, however Jughandle did concede Vaughan may have been unaware he was participating in said race.
Jughandle has labelled Vaughan’s behavior as unacceptable and called for a review of minimum alcohol levels at grounds: “Mate, I reckon Helen Clark would be better value on the piss. Guys like him should be breathtested at the gate to make sure they’ve got enough down them.”
Totally pinching these guys‘ idea, I’ve matched rugby’s favorite nutbar Peter De Villiers’ quotes up to New Yorker cartoons.