Hi, I’m Dan Surchzek, former former Senior VP, Adidas Minority Pussy-Ass Sports Division, Pacific rim. Last time we met I was coming off six weeks of Jack Daniels and crying at the ranch. I knew I’d reached rock bottom when I found myself on the roof trying hit the Fedex guy with my Hummer.

So I got the fuck out of the desert – hit the gym, hit rehab, and started a consultancy of my own here in LA, Surchzek Sports No FUCK YOU Ltd. Got bunch of hungry kids from Pi Lamda Kappa working for me – you gotta be hungry when it’s work or a swim in the Hammerhead aquarium. You wanna spend the afternoon in there pretending to be an air hose? No? Head down, motherfuckers.

So, I just got in from 14 sets of of tennis when the phone goes – it’s some black singlet fuck from New Zealand Cricket, who’s all “Dan, our bowling attack is weaker than milk. The Aussies are batting until they just can’t stay awake! This is the most unfair fight since the Feelers took on ACDC in a bar brawl.”

I didn’t know who the fuck the Feelers were. Didn’t matter. I needed time to think, so I had Brad bring me a wrappa-frappa vanilla cream vente with extra Absinthe. One the one hand you got the Aussies – they’re tougher than Mrs Ex-Surchzek’s bitch Lawyer arguing over a parking space after a few drinks. On the other hand you’ve got the Kiwis, probably the only team in the world with an end of season ‘best knitting’ prize. We’re talkin’ assholes v pussies.

The situation reminded me of the SSNFY LTD team off-site. Anyone can take the team to a hotel for PowerPoint and hugs – my team’s offsite was three weeks naked in the desert – you survive, you still got a job. Thinking back, the turning point was when I buzzed the fellas in my chopper and threw them some Rambo-knives so as they could hunt rattlers. I took me some pussies out to the desert, but I bought me back some assholes – they just needed the right tools. Are you thinking what I’m thinking, amigo?

I’m on fuckin fire – I get New Zealand on the phone and tell ‘em “little Timmy Southee’s not going to scare any Aussie batsman, no matter how fast he runs – but give Timmy a bat of his own, and you even up the odds. You get me? A solid block to Katich’s helmet’s gonna make him think twice about being out there. A good connection with Clarke’s protector’s gonna make him think of spending the winter with Lara. A potentially career threatening hit to Ponting’s knee will have him shaving his arms and heading for the Channel Nine commentary team.

Bam! The Surchzek of mass destruction has done it again, and I still got time to make my 10am Ultimate Fighting Max class – the max means I’m fighting Panda Bears. Surchzek out.