Bracewell dying to say something really fucking stupid

SRPA: Black Caps coach Bracewell, notorious for outbursts like ‘Gilchrist is scared to face us’ and ‘they switched the pitch’, has been strangely absent from the spotlight lately. The heady combination of an Australian tour, results going against him and a microphone usually guarantees fireworks. And yet all is quiet on the Bracewell front.

It’s all part of a PR initiative codenamed ‘Project Straightjacket’. “John definitely has a lot to offer, just not when he’s talking” said an NZ Cricket spokesperson. “We’ve identified where John’s previous statements could be construed as part of the ‘utter dipshit’ space, and we’re working through the ‘not sounding like a total Muppet’ detail with him now.”

While initially agreeable to the plan, Bracewell now appears to be struggling. He was observed yesterday walking the boundary gesticulating wildly to himself and talking conspiratorially to a sight screen after net practice. When approached for comment, a clearly tired and emotional Bracewell blurted: “A real rain is coming” before declining further comment and sprinting in a lopsided fashion to the dressing room.

NZPA hack and seasoned Bracewell watcher Bob Greasepant said “It’s quiet. Too quiet. Trying to muzzle a serial foot-in-mouther like Bracewell is like trying to cure a touch of the runs with Vindaloo. Something’s got to give, and it will. Mark my words, it will.” Greasepant speculated that when the floodgates burst, it would be spectacular. “I’m expecting something special. Scattergun obscenities, wild-eyed accusations, scribes singled out for personal attention and quite possibly uncontrollable weeping. I want to be there when it goes down, but sat near an exit, just in case.”