Regarding my ‘Official All Black Grand Slam Tour Blogger’ contract

I’m rapt to be the ‘Official All Black Grand Slam Tour Blogger in association with Warehouse Stationary’. Never in my wildest did I think my sporadic, barely literate farking around on the net would earn a six figure, one month gig. It’s a dream, etc etc.

However. This contract. We’ve got some show stoppers. Rats and mice, like the ‘turning up drunk’ and ‘punch Stu Wilson hard in the face’ clauses are missing. I’m surprised, but it doesn’t matter. I’d like to nut through the biggies now though, if we can.

First off, we’re not getting underway in the mornings ’til after 9.30. When I worked in London it was like 9.30. Later, if there’s tube problems. They’re always breaking down eh, you can’t control when you show up. And it’s not your fault.

Also, I’ll need Adidas socks, pants, shorts, shoes ( I like the old school ones, but I’ll take running shoes and sandals, too), caps, boxers, briefs, tees, sweatshirts, fleeces, coats, scarves, bags, beanies, wrist and headbands, and pens. ALL that shit’s necessary. You want good blogging, don’t you?  I’ll Trade Me it after, though, the stuff I don’t keep ’til it’s priceless. It all needs to be signed by everyone, too.

This ‘minimum daily word count’ is coming straight out. Blogging’s not like Rugby. You can’t measure it. I might do a three word post when we play England. And that’ll be blogging gold. I might do three words for the whole TOUR, and that would be enough. ‘Minimum word count’. You guys might have ruined the whole thing already.

Let’s talk PR. We’ll need some night club shenanigans, fighting in Wales, spewing in Dublin, All Black Booze Shocker, Our Papparazzi Shame, Whoops Misses Mind My Jock Strap, that kind of thing. Pommy tabs lap that shit up. Great publicity. The handbag really helped Tana, everyone knows who he is now. Maybe we could do something to Clive Woodward, or his house, that’d go over great back home.

We’re close on that contract now. Good meeting guys. Just so you know, when we get there I’ll chuck a sickie for a couple of days, catch up with some old mates. Just pick me up from The Snakebite & Firken in Willesden Green. Bring a car big enough for nine people? Ta.

Author: Richard Irvine

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