Are you Russell Coutts? Sometimes it can be hard to tell, so SRNZ presents a handy guide to tell if you’re a legendary short tempered ex-America’s Cup skipper. Or not.
5. You find yourself whispering ‘Snappy, snappy. Snappy snappy” under your breath whenever the black boat’s mast comes into shot
4. You’ve been barred from your local’s jukebox after loading up Simple Minds’ “Don’t you forget about me” for 65 plays in a row
3. You’re always talking into a headset microphone that’s not connected to anything
2. Whenever your partner wants to discuss communication issues arising in your relationship, you ask your tactician what he thinks
1. Your uncompromising will to win is now only expressed in playing ‘Snake II’ on your phone
– Richie Benaud, 12, reacts to the underarm – This is fantastic, old Richie gives Greg Chappell both barrels. You don’t see this kind of honesty from commentators ANYWHERE these days
– Some guy defies certain doom to catch a football – never trust a fella with a ponytail seems to be the lesson here
– Hairy fingered UK football commentator Richard Keys swears – har, I always thought this guy was a dick, turns out I was right
– Ping-Pong Somehow Elicits Macho Posturing – “When I’m mano a mano on Pong Station 3000, that’s when I’ll face my worthiest adversary of all: me” – I love it
The IRB have moved swiftly to maintain public interest in weakened touring teams by introducing a minimum of one freaky-looking guy per team. France’s Sebastian Chabal was picked out by the cameras ahead of Saturday’s France v New Zealand international, and the IRB think they may just have stumbled on a winner. IRB Chairman Syd Millar said “Focus group testing showed the Kiwi public reacted very positively to Chabal picking up on his ‘mad, staring eyes’ and ‘feral, caveman-like appearance’. Now, when Northern Hemisphere team can’t be arsed sending any decent players on tour, the freaky-looking can create real interest for the rugby public.”
IRB Marketing manager Seamus Healy said “Our great game prides itself on having a place for men of all shapes and sizes, and that goes for the freaky-looking too. Just look at some of the greats of the game, who’ve represented their countries with distinction such as Vuninbaka, Janie De Beer, and John Eales. At school and club level the freaky-looking have long been embraced, and it’s time the international game got on board.”
The new rules, which are being trialled in South Africa, state teams must include a minimum of one freaky-looking player, one that’s pretty ugly, with a spare freak on the bench that can play hooker or half back. Millar said “Freaky-ness can be defined as having an unusual physique, having a distinctive haircut or running style, or even unusual accessories like gloves or pantyhose. Keith Woods looked a lot like Uncle Fester from The Addams Family, so he could be classed as freaky-looking, for example. We’re totally open on this.”
Rival codes American Football and Equestrian expressed concern about Rugby pillaging their stocks of freaky-looking athletes, but Healy was quick to reassure them that Rugby had “Stacks of freaks of our own. Stacks”.