Barmy Army tour report with Benjamen Tossington-Ryder

What-o! Well, the first week has been absolutely top class. No casualties to report so far, apart from Fossington-Garter – he tried to beat Brampton-Minor’s record of 43 Pink Gin and Tonics on the flight to the Caribbean, and was dreadfully sick. The entire first class cabin had to fart about in Oik class while it was sorted out. Frightful bore, Sir Mick was extremely annoyed.

I will say one thing – the Barmy Army’s organisation really has been first class. One of the chappies met us in the resort lobby with all the Barmy Army kit, I purchased some official golf balls, cargo shorts, a corkscrew, brolly, bag tags and locks, as well as a smashing tie. I even picked up a rather lovely logo-d Mount Blanc pen. The boys in the office will be awfully jealous.

The first match is against New Zealand. Those Kiwis are a queer lot. We got the better of those rotters when we flew in for the Lions’ tour – we were sat in the Hilton’s lounge bar after the third test singing “Who the ruddy hell are you?” and “Show us your Empire” all night long. Smashing. And Sir Clive truly is a splendid bloke, so easy to talk to.

Anyway, we finally met some New Zealanders in St Lucia, and after a spot of banter they challenged us to a boat race. Rather silly of them, as Quentington-Louvers’ father had had the catamaran sent ahead. The chaps rowed out, rigged up and were ready to race, but did those Kiwis show up? Not bloody likely. Scared of the Empire’s sailing prowess, what? Dreadfully disappointing.

Afterward we popped to the local night spot, when who should come into the VIP area but Andrew Flintoff! He immediately recognised Chortlington-Leatherington from the MCC fundraiser when he ran through the long room with only a Bacon and Egg tie on. Crackers, he is. Apparently the chaps had lost the match – well, we took a leaf out of the Kiwis’ book and challenged HIM to a boat race. We asked if he’d a boat, and he said he’d sort something out. And do you know, that dirty rotter never showed up either – god only knows what happened to him. Honestly.